Tuesday Top Ten … American high school/college movies with decent female characters that don’t suck

by Fairy Cake

There are evenings in your life where you want to sit down with a glass of wine and watch a 2 hour plus foreign film with a lot of bleak establishing shots that asks big, unsettling questions about existence.  And there are other evenings when you want to eat tortillas and salsa and watch cheerleaders.

Cheerleaders usually win out with me.  Can’t help myself.  But so many high school movies are stacked with bland prop-like females, bad dialogue and lazy tropes, they make my eyes bleed.  Bleeding eyes impair my ability to go to the fridge and get more salsa.

So.  Here are 10 films that contain a healthy dose of jocks, nerds, and other cartoonish stereotypes, but pass the Bechdel test, and hopefully won’t make you want to start fire-bombing in intellectual rage.

1. Heathers

If you don’t fancy the shit out of Winona Ryder in this move, your vagina clearly isn’t working properly.  Raven beauty Veronica strays from the high-school in-crowd to indulge in a casual killing spree with Christian Slater, who possess the unsettling ability to look both alluring and like he might be about to sexually assault you.  And Heather Chandler is the best fucking bitch ever.

LOLZ : Heather Number 1 – “Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw”

2.  Mean Girls

Mean Girls displays a wealth of lady talent, from the Plastics and to the penned words of Tina Fey.  Probably the most critically-acclaimed high-school movie of recent years; surprisingly intelligent, with a warm moral centre and some seminal female performances.  Also, Lindsay Lohan.

LOLZ : Janice – “Oh, I love seeing teachers outside of school. It’s like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs”

3.  Drop Dead Gorgeous

Alison Janney, of American Beauty/The Hours/The West Wing fame, serves as a good indicator for decent films, since she doesn’t seem to associate with shit ones.  Although strictly it’s not all set in high school, there is homoerotic jock wrestling and Amy Adams in a cheer-leading uniform.  DDG was sold poorly when it first came out as a brainless, carbon copy Paegant movie; it’s actually a seriously black, borderline PC laugh-riot.  Kirtsen Dunst, Denise Richards, Kirstie Alley, Ellen Barkin, Brittany Murphy (RIP), and at least two training montages.  Winning.

LOLZ : Rebecca - “My mom gave me this 9 mill for my 13th birthday. Yeah. I’ll always remember what she put on the card. “Jesus Loves Winners”.”

4.  Election

This film always used to freak me out because one of the minor characters was a lesbian and when I was younger pop culture references to lesbians made me nervous and I’d have to leave the room in case I started ‘showing’.  Election is the story of brutal high-achiever Tracy Flick, who is running for student body president and engages in all sorts of sociopathic behaviour to damage her competition.  It features Matthew Broderick in possibly one of the most awkward sex scenes ever filmed.  But don’t let that deter you; Witherspoon is magnetic and the plot is inspired.

LOLZ : Tammy - ”If you died right now, I would throw myself under one of my Dad’s cement trucks so I could be poured into your tomb.”

5.  10 Things I Hate About You

Does this need an explanation?  No.  No it doesn’t.   Thank Alison Janey; oh barometer of awesomeness.

LOLZ : Michael - “The shit hath hit’th the fan… eth.”

6.  The Breakfast Club

A brain, a beauty, a jock, a rebel and a recluse.  All the stereotypes are present and correct and you get the added bonus of Molly Ringwald being all naughty like.   Most of the action takes place in a dingy detention hall, but teen flick champion John Hughes manages to make this sweetest and most entertaining coming-of-age movie pretty much ever.  Lovely lovely lovely.  And a ginger!

LOLZ : John- “Does Barry Mannilow know you raid his wardrobe?”

7.  Welcome to the Dollhouse

Todd Solodz is a Schadenfreud director, and sweet Dawn Wiener’s high school existence is nothing to be envied.  With a raging crush on garage band wannabe Steve Tyler, Dawn haphazardly navigates the tragic 7th grade where everybody seems to hate her and her only romantic prospects lie with monstrous school bully Brandon.  A lesson in the blackest of comedy.  And Heather Mattarazzo totally grew up to be a lez.

LOLZ : Dawn Weiner -  ”But I don’t want to go to Disney World.”
Mark Weiner – “Don’t be stupid. At least it’ll look good on your college resume.”

8.  Bring It On

Over an hour of short skirts, high kicks, 90′s pop and Eliza Dushku.  My reasons for liking this film are mostly carnal, but damnit there is a bikini car wash in this movie and whocansaynotothat???

LOLZ : Torrance – “You know, mothers have killed to get their daughters on squads.”
Christine – “That mother didn’t kill anybody. She hired a hit man.”

9.  Clueless

This would be some fucked up list if it didn’t include Clueless.  Almost makes me want to buy a tartan pant-suit.  Almost.

LOLZ : Amber - “My plastic surgeon doesn’t want me doing any activities where balls fly at my nose …”
Dionne – “There goes your social life.”

10.  Easy A

Emma Stone plays Olive, who, in an attempt to pretend-fuck her best gay friend into popularity, ends up on a kamikaze mission to tarnish her own reputation and become the school’s easy lay.  Except she’s not actually had any sex.  Arguably the most feminist ‘chick flick’ to come out in recently years, with some wonderfully candid quips about female sexuality, and a righteous attack on slut-shaming.  Plus, Lisa Kudrow.  And PATRICIA CLARKSON talking about how she was a total ho in college.  I can’t speak for you, but this movie made me feel a lot better about what I do with my vagina.

LOLZ : Olive – “Relax. Jesus. What is with you gays? Are you really that repulsed by lady parts? What do you think I have down there? A gnome?”

Feel free to add yours/debunk mine below :)