View from the Couch: The Real L Word, Season 3 Episode 1

by Devil’s Food Cake and Fairy Cake

We watch bad lesbian television and take the piss out of it so you don’t have to!

All hail the return of the Number 1 Hang-Over TV Choice of British Lesbians – the Real L Word.  Vaguely entertaining, and full of awful, awful people, it’s the perfect accompaniment to a Sunday morning spent trying to keep down last night’s kebab.

When we last left the groundbreaking women of TRLW, they looked like this:

SEASON 2

…and now they look like this:

So yeah – it is less diverse. They’ve gotten rid of the African-American one and the Vietnamese-American one, but they’ve also gotten rid of the blonde one who liked to get into fights, so really, they’re just dropping dead weight (those guys were dead boring, we swear).  Here’s what we thought (spoilers… but if you care about that you probably need to go watch some proper television).

8 Things FC Pondered on While Watching Series Three, Episode One of The Real L Word

1)  Romi still looks like an Oompa Loompa and her eyebrows need to star in their own spin-off.  This from someone who was supposedly working as a make-up artist for two seasons.  I would pay this woman not to do my make-up.

2)  OH MY GOD SHE IS WITH A MAN.  I love how Ilene milked this little revelation like it was the biggest deal ever.  And edited it all together as if we are supposed to hate her now.  Go on, hate her!  Hate her stupid orange face and her stupid orange boyfriend who has a penis!

2b) Come on though, bisexual people do not exist. Fucking a guy now? There’s only one word for that, traitor.

3) Kiyomi is the new Whitney (Whitney is a euphemism for ‘massive cunt’). Examples!  Insists on having polyamorous relationship; won’t let her girlfriend sleep with anyone else. Plays gig to sea of lesbians; totally ignores girlfriend and then tells her it’s her fault. Band mate wants to have a mature conversation about upcoming tour; says “I don’t really give a shit about your emotional problems right now.”  2 and a bit series’ of the Real L Word and all I have learned is that to be a lesbian you need to be somewhat emotionally abusive and wear a lot of leather jewellery.

4)  Brandi, Sara’s friend, is fucking buff and also not White which makes a change.  More of her please. (for real. According to this blog by a native New Yorker, there are literally packs of non-White lesbians stalking the streets in NY so what the what? This is like that time when Richard Curtis took all of the Black people out of Notting Hill and replaced them with Julia Roberts… but thankfully without Julia Roberts).

5)  Jay, Romi’s squeeze, seems like the only sane person in The Real L Word and he’s not even an L Word.

6)  One day I aspire to be a lesbian cliché just like Somer and Donna, strolling around New York with my wife, walking our matching dogs, wearing our matching beanie hats.

7)  Alyssa is still one of the only well-adjusted people on this show and hers is a welcome return.  She’s stayed cool with everyone through all the drama between Sara, Romi and Whitney, she herself appears to be drama-proof and she hasn’t chastised Romi for dating a man because “she’s not that guy”.  Good on you Alyssa, you are stockpiling all the integrity.

8)  Rather than banging on about how dull I found this particular episode to be, I’m just going to tell you that when I’d finished watching it, I looked down to see that the words ‘BORED NOW’ had been inadvertently chiselled into my desk with a nail file.

6 lesbian things DFC felt that this episode confirmed:

1) Lesbians look great on stage, yes they do, even when they’re called Hunter Valentine. Lesbians with instruments are even better. And lesbians named Kayomi with instruments are like the best, hi, I’m into you even if you are a douche, oh my God, what am I saying.

2) Lesbians LOVE drama, every fucking one of them us, even the nice sane ones. I’m looking at YOU Alyssa, what the hell was that phone call? That shit would only have been more Mean Girls if you’d three-way called Whitney and asked her if she thought Romi was a bitch while Romi was silent on the other line. You TATTLE-TALE.

3) Romi is a total attention whore, though I’m not sure I can blame her. 1:39 in and we’d already had a pretty substantial view of her T&A and that was not even the first two minutes. I say I’m not sure I can blame her because, well, she’s kind of hot. Also, she’s made such progress! Not a fucking feather earring in sight this week. Plus points for that. Minus points for this:

nightmare clown is nightmarish. also wait is that a feather earring?! dammit romi!

Oh Romi. Blusher is not a competition.

4) GAY COUPLES HAVING BABIES ARE THE BEST. Also, can I take a minute here and point out to anyone making a reality TV show – see how great consistency is? You have a storyline – you continue it. When we left Cori and Kacy last season, they hadn’t been successful with the baby thing, but here we are, picking it back up a year later, and they’re still committed and doing it and keeping on keeping on. EVEN THEIR OB-GYN IS THE SAME. I was sorta flabbergasted to start with but that’s probably a left-over from watching Candy Bar Girls.

5) Lesbians really love polyamorous relationships don’t they? I don’t know if those actually work but that’s because I’m selfish and couldn’t share my girlfriend, sorry.

6)  Is the ultimate lesbian love story,”We met at a bar through mutual friends and we made out in the bathroom”?  Because I feel like I’ve done this… a lot.

Suggested alternative title for this episode :

“How to destroy attractive people with eyeliner”

Most deluded psycho-lesbian soundbite :

Sara : “I hate to think that you even ever had another girlfriend.  You never did.  I am the only one.  Hahahahaa.”

We’re glad Sara has decided to be mature and realistic about her blossoming relationship with Whit.. oh wait!

Most dubious rhyming couplet we heard while accidentally homing in the god-awful soundtrack :

We came to part-tay

And the ladies wanna dance we feelin’ naught–tay

I see that you feel me-ay

Actually, FC wants to talk about that :

What is the correlation between gays and bad music?  As an utter nerd who knows there’s more to life than Uh Huh Her this really irks me.  Lots of queer women have informed taste, and we don’t all listen to bands because the singer is cute/also likes vagina.  We deserve decent soundtracks and radio shows that are not just dedicated to playing Tegan and Sara back to back with Madonna.  Not an endless parade of be-quiffed dykes with poor lyrics and scarce talent who play half-arsed rock-pop durge.  Fucking sort yourselves out.

DFC’s realness prize for lesbian realness with words: “What is a real lesbian? Okay so all the years that I was eating pussy and like being with my girlfriends and madly in love and wanting to get married to them I wasn’t a lesbian? Okay.” – ROMI of all people talking some REAL SENSE

BUT she lost me at: “Well I got tired of that strap-on not working” – honey, it did not look like it wasn’t working when you were getting it on with Whitney at the trailer trash party (season 1 y’all).

Four questions this episode left DFC with:

1. That rap introducing Amanda was embarrassing to watch even. Why would you do that on TV?

2. How do you deal with a situation where your BFF hates your gf? Or your gf hates your BFF?

3. Is it really that big a deal if a friend who identifies/has identified for a long time as a lesbian starts dating a guy? I don’t think I’d care as long as my friend’s happy – but I don’t know if I could start talking about blowjobs (bleurgh penis gross. I know, I know, I’m a 13 year old girl).

4. Do people moving from NY to LA have jobs before they go or does everyone move hoping to hook up with a past fling?

One question this episode left FC with:

1.  Do I need to drink heavily the night before in order to enjoy this?

FC’s overall rating :

4/10

DFC’s overall rating:

7/10