by Petit Fours

It’s like the L-word, but real. You can and should watch it. Ten things we have learnt from this great great show:

1) Illene Chaiken is a great benfactor to the lesbian community – she wrote the L-word for us and now this crazy thing. On behalf of the lesbian umwelt, I just want to say thank you.

2) Not everyone in LA looks as good as Jennifer Beals. It’s a bit disappointing of course, but in a way, it’s affirmative.

3) If you play drinking games with the Real L-Word - where you drink everytime someone wears sunglasses inside, says “LA fashion week” or uses the word “situation” to describe the fall-out from sleeping with three girls at once – you get wasted.

4) People don’t need to be hot or fast-talking or funny for me to watch them. In fact they can be average, a bit nuts and not very bright and I’m still completely compelled. The magic of reality TV hit me all over again with this series.

5) Dreadful people get lots of sex. I knew this anyway.

6) Getting lots of sex can be called “having the power of the clam”.

7) LA lesbians spend some hard cash. How about taking your girlfriend to a hotel for Valentine’s Day, hiring out a private gazebo for dinner, then paying for a really huge trail of rose petals to show her how to get from the door to the bed. How about that eh? Not very RECESSION AWARE is it.

8) On the flip side of the Valentine’s day spectrum, it is possible to give your girlfriend your house key in a plastic ice cream cone as a Valentine’s Day present.

9) In LA they really do say things differently. I’ve mentioned “clam” and “situation”. There are also phrases like “I don’t care how much it costs – What’s my middle name? Nikki Gucci Price”, and words like “douchebaggy” (what Whitney is not, according to herself), “futch” (a femme butch), “pants” (a butch) and “polished” (what lesbians are like in LA but not in New York – apparently).

10) They’re doing the next series in Brooklyn. SCORE. Basically, that means more of the scraggy, semi-European types that we have in London, better fashion, and fewer sunglasses – though I won’t prented I don’t love them. The New York Times wrote about it, and AfterEllen practically promises it. So London for Series Three please.

——-

extra Real L-Word words and some inter-city bitching from gracethespot

Related: The L Word = awesome?

by Petit Fours

Charlotte Green is the mellow-voiced, intelligent-sounding posh lady who reads the news for Radio 4. Needless to say I have a big old voice crush on her authoritative but tuneful RP. In a lovely audio clip from March, she breaks down into giggles while reading an obiturary, inspired by the previous news item about some sound recording from 1860. It makes me laugh too. A nice little pick-me-up as we face the impending darkness of the British Winter. Groan.

I also recommend videos of babies laughing on youtube

by Punschkrapfen

Wednesday
I’ve spent the evening complaining to my Grindr-using male friends that there’s no female version. A bi girl friend of mine is similarly dismayed. We’ve been banging on about this for months. She downloaded idate gay a month or so ago, and the nearest girl she found was in California.

the pleasures & embarrassments of dating on your iphone...

Grindr intrigues me and I’ve played around with friends’ accounts a few times. I read Petit Fours’ article about it at the same time I became aware of Grindr a few months ago. She debates why there is no version of Grindr for women. My friend and I are ready for a lesbian version.

It’s a running joke and any time we meet someone who vaguely works in the IT industry we have begged him or her to create an app for us. We just get laughed at. I decide to download idate gay for the laugh. Maybe see if she’s got the settings wrong. I search for ‘Grindr Girl’ in the app store and several options come up – Qrushr Girls comes up – seems to be exactly like Grindr so I download it. After creating an account, it takes me several minutes, and all of a sudden a grid of women in my area has popped up. I’m shocked – they’re not in California.

Thursday
During the week I re-read the Most Cake article on Grindr for girls I’m surprised that there wasn’t more feedback on the article calling out for this app. Is my curiosity over meeting people in this way something to be ashamed of? I consult a straight friend, they give me a scientific answer – well it’s very interesting in terms of sociological development…. I stop listening. I feel judged, I carry on. I google Qrushr and begin some research. It’s originally a men’s alternative to the Grindr app, from which Qrushr Girls was created subsequently. Straight-forward enough – why can’t Grindr have done the same? I switch it on a few times during the day – I’m struck by the amount of women demanding no nude pictures be sent to them unless requested. Then there are the young an innocent-looking ‘want 2 meet ppl who love life – no bis contact me’ Thanks. You 19-year-old rascal! Sifting through the baby dykes, the aggressive, the dull and the desperate I send a quick ‘hello there’ message to one or two people, but I notice they haven’t been online in 6 days, 17 days, and sometimes 60 days… What’s the point? I can’t see anyone online that I like, and usually there are only two, maybe three people online in my area.

Friday
I notice at this point that from where I live in East London and where I work in Central London a slightly different set of women pop up when I turn the app on. There is a cross-over however, home to work is only several miles, and the first 50 women that come up are within and around this distance by about several more miles. About a third of the women on Qrushr don’t have a profile picture, but sometimes when I tap on them a picture loads! I have a feeling that every technical glitch hasn’t been ironed out of Qrushr quite yet.

the red dots are LESBIANS

Saturday
Today is London Pride. I have a bag full of outfits for a sixties night we might go to. I’ve got my iPhone on full battery, it’s 2pm in the blazing heat and I’m mincing down Regent’s Street with my friends having barged into the parade. Texting, waving, calling and brandishing a rainbow flag, I’m slugging from a bottle of pink boozy stuff – who would need a dating app on a day like today! It doesn’t even cross my mind. All I care about is my bloody iPhone battery lasting long enough to get through my first ever pride. By 5pm we had all comfortably convened in Soho Square – after locating a sufficient percentage of friends I was worried about seeing, I settle into the atmosphere. My flat mate passes me a can of very strong cider, and I decide to show all my Grindr-using boy-friends what’s happening on my new app. Delighted for me, it gets passed around, and a few of us huddle to see ‘who’s online’. Again, very few people online, and the usual darkened anonymous no-profile pictures, nothing out of the ordinary on the app, not surprisingly technology such as this surely isn’t required in the gayest, most packed, most pissed park square in all the country.

Still, it’s nearly 6pm and I’ve barely flirted with someone at my first ever gay pride. My queen-lez mentor steals me to sit with a group of very nice lesbians. I’m pissed at this stage, so I get my Qrushr out for them. I thought it was an ice-breaker, but I fear some of them may have thought I was a weird sex freak. If it’s the equivalent to Grindr, does it mean we have to use it in the same way? Instant sex? I hadn’t even thought of this. I had much more innocent intent; I was even thinking perhaps it would be a way to make new friends. This said, I wasn’t striking up chats with anyone who I didn’t think was hot. So it turns out maybe one of the girls in the group had heard of it, but none confessed to using it, or even really wanting to. My mentor queen was happy with me though. My iPhone died a few hours later, long before the night ended…

Sunday
I log into the app to try to get an update on the qrushettes I was attempting to chat to on Saturday. No replies. Fail. In fairness, I deserve this, a very big girl with very large knockers had not replied to my ‘nice tits’. Sorry, I know. On the bus I shield the view of the log in screen from the gaze of my fellow passengers. As it loads, the log-in screen flashes a white silhouette of a girl on a purple screen. It looks, well, quite obnoxiously back at me. I think it’s funny, but I feel unsure of strangers seeing me use it. What if they think I’m looking at porn? And judging by some of the profile pictures… well…

The Qrushr opening page: on the bus, it embarrasses me slightly

Monday
Hangover now a distant memory, the rush of meeting so many girlies at Pride has really inspired me to ‘get out there more’. Back on Qrushr, now I’m attempting to ask more interesting questions. Simply ‘hi’ isn’t really good enough to get someone’s attention. I try to question them on their brief profile spiel. Oddly, it seems the pickings are getting better. Are my standards dropping? Or are more people suddenly logging on? That evening I get a message from the girl who seems to be logging on more and more. She’s only several hundred yards away it says, her picture looks great but her face is slightly obscured. It makes my heart race just a little. I’m worried she’s a friend with some of my friends, she lives so close. Her profile is intimidating and I’m nervous about saying hello. Qrushr says she’s several hundred yards away, what if what if? She pops up – eek! – ‘Hello neighbour, you look relatively sane, unlike some of the people on this’. Buzz. ‘Thanks neighbour… how you doing?’…

A recurring profile line among the users is ‘NO NUDE PICS – If I want to see pics of a pussy I could google it.’ Jeez. No-one has tried to send me pictures of them naked, but seem to be sending them to other people. I do notice there are one or two men there, floating like dead fish – none have logged in in a couple of weeks. I presume they will eventually disappear and can be ignored. I’ll admit that a few weeks ago on a friend’s iPhone I briefly had a profile on Grindr for a joke. The boys on Grind mainly just ignored me, though one thought I was post-op once. An offensive slab of male flesh appears. I block it. It goes away. None of this deters me. There are girls in my neighbourhood on this and more are appearing every day.

qrushrettes

Tuesday
I speak to my most seasoned Grindr-using friend. He gives me the low down on the rules. He lets me know that I’ve managed to choose a good picture because it’s full length, face in view; he explains that after a while if the picture isn’t honest enough, you just pass them back. Sunglasses for instance, are an instant no-no. I’m appalled by this superficiality, but admittedly still keen to know more rules, and to adhere to them. ‘Come across friendly but aggressive.’ I show him a girl who came up on my ‘grid’. She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve seen on the app so far. I can’t help myself.

‘Hey beautiful’ I type. Silence. Whoops! Embarrassing!

She writes back a few hours later. ’31 miles? I’m in Paris!’. Damn, yet another dead end. We chat more, I realise she’s just visiting Paris, but neither of us can figure out the distance mistake. We agree that Qrushr can’t accurately tell distances, and bond over how logging in can take ages, and sometimes you are greeted with a blank screen upon eventual log-in. Maybe it’s the perseverant who use Qrushr, but like many other apps I have, I cannot resist tapping through it at any idle moment.

Reader – a point before I go on – I’ve never Internet dated before.

‘Can I see you sometime?’ I blurt out. Oh god, what have I done? No reply. Oh well. . I’m still messaging other girls. I’ve updated my brief profile and added a second picture. Gradually more and more people are chatting to me. The same faces start to turn up every time I refresh the radar. Then every now and again a fresh face appears ‘Hey I’m new to this but I’m moving to London soon…’ we have a brief chat, but it’s stilted by the fact that users miss each other online the entire time. Helpfully you can see how often other people are using this, i.e. when they last logged out. I wonder do the other girls notice my regular appearance. I don’t care, if they’re coming online, why would they judge me for doing the same? Cute, quirky, hot girls tease me with their profiles: last online: 23 days. I decide after messaging a few of these absent types to rule them out. It’s all about people who have been online in the last day or two. One woman bluntly tells me to piss off – I’m too young for her. It’s OK, I’m still thinking about Paris.

Wednesday
Paris asks me to transfer the conversation to Gaydar Girls. Qrushr is unreliable, and has crashed a fair bit. I’m still elated. For the first time I press the add friend button. Ashamed of a pisstake Gaydar Girls profile I set up with my friend many months ago, I hope maybe she’ll get the sense of humour. (Turns out she doesn’t comment.) My lack of Gaydar know-how leads us to Facebook, then chatting on Gmail chat. We email on non-stop for a day (thank god my boss is away), suddenly the scope of writing proper, lengthy verses to this potential lover the pace escalates and the learning curve about Paris is rising sky high. This kind of thing could not have happened on my iPhone’s tiny screen – with interfering calls and impending battery loss.

I decide to keep delving into the potluck grid of girls on Qrushr. I’m pressing the ‘friend’ button more often, panicked at the potential loss of meeting the love of my life.
Confidence rising, I’ve agreed to meet a different girl at Twat Boutique. I don’t know if she’s really serious, but I can’t see why not.

Thursday
I notice Paris has been online nearly every time I log on. And she has become friends with a few very pretty gay girls on Facebook. Ok, we’re not married yet I reassure myself. We haven’t even met.
I don’t tell her I’ve noticed this – and we’re agreeing to meet for drinks next week. And the chat goes on ….

See Punschkapfen’s investigation of the people behind Qrushr and Grindr here: Lesbian Grindr has finally arrived: meet Qrushr Girls, the lesbian dating app
For more on that online dating thing see: Gaydar: friend or foe?

by Petit Fours

I fancy Shabby, I do. I won’t tell you what I have to put up with because of this. The amount of polite though incredulous “well each to their own” comments, the “if you were 15 it would be one thing” line, and the not-so veiled references to my poontang and its preferences. I suffer for this crush. But we all have our weakness, and the London Shane is mine.

I mean, it’s not like I fancy Whitney on the Real L-word, I do have standards.

Anyway. The video above works for those of us mesmerised by Shabby Katchadourian, her shaggy locks, her Victorian urchin threads and her compelling ability to attract pootang. That would be me and Stoppickelingme08 . As she puts it on youtube:

“Oh my god . . . 1:16 . . . I think my heart exploded, what an intense stare! She has such a beautiful face <3″.

In fact that would seem to be me and most lesbians under the age of sixteen and a half. Okay I can’t be sure how old AmberCharlie98 is, but I just feel that she is under 16. (Bloody hope the 98 bit doesn’t mean she was like, born in ’98). Amber is driven to make illogical statements by her desire for Shabby Katchadourian:

“i love her. i need her. i want her. im gonna get her. ;) i would die, just to be with her. <333 i LOVE SHABBY.”

Everyone else may see this video as self indulgent emo posturing in front of a webcam: either a cry for poontang or social services. U GuYs R RONG.

But I will say it really reminds me of this…

What do you think gentle reader..?

by Punschkrapfen

Since its launch three months ago, some 50,000 users have downloaded the Qrushr Girls app and created profiles. Roughly the same as the famous men’s dating app for iPhone, Grindr, it finally brings iPhone-enabled cruising to lesbians. This isn’t a new topic to The Most Cake, Petit Fours discussed the lack of a ‘lesbian Grindr’ back in February of this year. So it’s no surprise that Qrushr Girls reached us eventually. Location-based apps such as foursquare are creeping into the mainstream, Facebook is introducing Facebook Places, and soon we won’t think twice about posting our location to social networking sites. Life, by some is lived online, and well, we gays, we love the internet…

The Qrushr browsing screen...

So, what’s the deal with Qrushr then? Aren’t we surprised that Grindr didn’t get there first? I contacted Joel Simikai from Grindr. He professes that the reason they have not yet made a lesbian version of Grindr, is that they want to do it the right way – “we did not want to just release a lesbian version of Grindr as an exact copy of Grindr with the only difference being that it was for lesbians or straight men/women. We do not believe that this would be as effective as creating a new application catered to lesbians or straight men and women.”

So on to Qrushr Girls. They started with a gay men’s version (simply, Qrushr), then duplicated it for women. It’s an iPhone app that uses geolocation to find lesbians – with Qrushr – near you. The result? 300 lesbians in your area in the palm of your hand. Presented in a grid, about one third of users have declined to upload a picture and are thus assigned a generic darkened silhouette. In the age of Facebook, Gaydargirls and dozens of other ways to connect online, it is surprising to me that some of us are still too shy to put a picture of some sort. Part of the reason is that many users log on once and disappear. I asked Helen from the Qrushr team.

“Qrushr Girls is still only 3 months old. Very soon we will be contacting all Qrushr Girl users to ask if they want to stay a user. Some women only want to communicate with very local people so they might have initially stopped using us because the numbers of users wasn’t large in their area. If they logged on now they would probably find a lot more. We will be asking them to try us again.”

The premier geolocation social-networking app for lesbians has been, of course, hindered with teething problems in its Beta version. I’ve spent a few weeks using Qrushr Girls and experienced delayed log-ins, crashes and password recovery problems. I was reassured that ‘Qrushr Girls is just coming out of Beta as we speak, we have a great new update with Apple. We have to wait for Apple to approve it, then everyone will get an even better version.’ Sounds good. Apparently Apple are really slow approving anything with “lesbian” content, thanks to all their anti-porn filters which means genuine stuff gets tied up too.

Qrushr Girls is available as a free app, or for a monthly charge of £2.39 you can download Qrushr Girls Unlimited. With the free version you can see 300 of the nearest users to you, placing a limit on the radar you ‘cast’ if you wish (from 5 miles to 500 miles..). If you see someone you like, say ‘hi’ – though it could be four minutes or four days before they reply. You can add them to your ‘friend list’ and they’ll forever appear on your screen when you log in after that. The main added features you by paying for the ‘Unlimited’ version is that you can search for any user name you like (helpful for missed connections, especially when the app crashes), you can see how many people have viewed your profile (I’m sceptical about this – I’m not sure how functional it is, how could so few have viewed my own?) and lastly you can see the nearest 300 users who are online at any given time.

Is this revolutionary for lesbian-kind? Or just a natural occurring off-shoot of the internet social networking age? I was hoping when interviewing the team from Qrushr/Qrushr Girls that they would offer me some insight into their raison d’être. Recent press from the mainstream media over its competitor Grindr has offered a romantic vision of the dating app’s development, describing it as a liberating step towards ‘a sexual revolution’.

I asked about feedback from users. “We get amazing amounts of feedback” says Helen. “This is probably one of the few projects for lesbians where the technology is used for the lesbian community before the heterosexual community, a lot of women appreciate that. We also get a lot of feedback from countries where is not acceptable to be openly lesbian. We have users in Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Africa, Iran, Afghanistan etc. – we would probably be their only lesbian outlet. That’s what makes Qrushr Girls worthwhile.”

While I get the feeling that the Qrushr team made the app for commercial reasons rather than any desire for a sexual revolution, this information about the women using Qrushr Girls surprised me. I forget that while I’m saturated by ways to meet women in London that the global reach of this tool could be marvellous in helping women in farflung places to meet one another.

For the record, PartyGurly is not me. I know how to spell "girl"

I attempted to coax some information out of Helen about the future of the app. It pitches itself as a ‘lesbian lifestyle in your pocket’. I wanted to know more about how they were attempting to develop this idea. They gave nothing away.

“Now that would be telling! What we have done so far is very complex. It might seem easy on the face of it but Qrushr Girls already makes other developers green with envy. In the future though we have big plans, we want to still keep Qrushr Girls confidential and safe but maybe add easier ways to communicate, maybe add video, live content, more fun!”

Hmm, thanks Helen. Well, there certainly could be more done to integrate it into the ahem, ‘lesbian lifestyle’. They currently provide us with a ‘radio station’ (just streamed dance music) and a link to an Australian lesbian magazine, Bound. There are chat forums too, a gesture to making the app a bit less cruisey but they appear to be mostly empty and are easy to crash. Of course, we are faced with a work in progress, so here’s hoping the socks are pulled up and more interesting features are added.

The most interesting feature of course – is the women using it. While there are some very interesting looking women using the app, some even friends of mine, (hi everyone!), the app is also at times invaded by people posing as lesbians, posting nude, strange pictures of themselves…. ( intrigued? go look for yourself you pervert…) It’s something Qrushr Girls does not encourage. Helen assured me that ‘We take security very seriously on Qrushr Girls. To this end we have 10 moderators constantly ensuring that abuse isn’t happening. We do get the odd man pretending, as soon as we find them we instantly ban their device from ever using Qrushr Girls again. We are also looking at a way of women verifying they are genuine.’

As with any new social networking technology, we will have to wait and see what happens. Its evolution will mostly stem from its users. For the meantime I suggested to Qrushr that they set up a feedback option so we can tell them what we think of its use, and suggest ways in which it can change. With the explosion of smartphones, mobile dating is likely to be the next big thing – so watch this space.

Do you use Qrushr? Send feedback to helen@qrushrgirls.com or post your comments below.

Qrushr Girls is free on iTunes here

by Ground Almond

Koochooloo returned to Playtime Bar basement once again with a rockstar theme firmly placed in order (Happy Birthday Becky).

On the decks were power pop duo Disco Damage, Coco Yeah and Helmet. All playing a serious mix of electro to make you pull some extreme dance moves… which are dangerously close to ripping your leather pants to. Aside from the off Bon Jovi (Living on a Prayer) interlude washed down with multiple jaeger bombs, I can’t really remember much more. A great leather night indeed.

ENJOY.

photos by Sophie Allen

by Fairy Cake

TMC like to think we know our readers quite well.

For example, we know that most of you (apart from those occasional mac-wearing gentlemen who click through to our site hoping to find videos of lesbians wrestling in deserts) are ladies who like ladies.  We know, from our regular snap happy tours of London’s lezzie dives, that you like to drink.  And we know, judging by your disproportionate response to articles that feature the word ‘vagina’, that you like to have sex.

By my calculation, this means that approximately half of you are total sluts.

Hey hey…don’t snarl like that.  It doesn’t suit you.  And I don’t mean it in a bad way, anyway.  Sluts have more fun.  Sluts take the best pictures.  And you can be sure there’s no quicker way to widen your social circle than to fuck anything that moves.*

And heck; if you’re not a slut yet, why hold only your chastity?  If the mental evangelists are to be believed, we sexual deviants got ourselves a one-way ticket to Hell anyway. TMC recommends you embrace your inner skank hoe.  Because, not even the promise of a saintly afterlife could contend with the reality of getting really, really laid.  Whether you’re an ethical slut, a wannabe slut, or total brazen whore, this Top Ten’s for you.

And to the librarians amongst you; what are you waiting for?  Turn it up and whip it off.  Those traffic cones aren’t going to hump themselves.

1) Might Like You Better by Amanda Blank

Amanda Blank suggests that sleeping with someone is the best way to get to like them better.  Thanks, Mandy.  Though best to note that there are some cases where sleeping with someone would have the opposite effect.  If that person happened to be BNP rape-denier Nick Eriksenn, for example.  Or your nan.

2)  Slut?  by Avenue D

Serious lesbo nostalgia evoked by this track.  Reminds me of wearing a dress made out of bin-liners and raving my tits off at some Soho basement bar.  And I quote:

“Shit, you know i’m grade A, top choice beef, baby.”

Yes, you are a piece of meat.  Own it.

3)  Dirrty by Christina Aguilera

Remember – nothing say “slut” like chaps and no panties.  And nothing says “sure thing” like a lesbian at a mud wrestling party.

4)  My Neck, My Back by Khia

Part slut anthem, part instructional audio book, certified skank hoe Khia tells you where you’re supposed to put your tongue.  Y’know.  Just in case you forgot.  (Please note: it is IN THAT ORDER.  Even the skankiest of skanks know not to go for the crack first).

5)  Just Got Paid, let’s Get Laid by the Millionaires

Evident stage-school graduates Millionaires could’ve spent the last few years pouring their looks and questionable talent into doing a Miley.  Instead, they chose to spend them actively promoting alcoholism, and making music that sounds like the Mickey Mouse club hitting a brothel. I am both appalled and mildly aroused.

6)  Fuck The Pain Away by Peaches

It’s difficult to pick just one Peaches track for this list, but this one wins by an inch.  Got issues?  Shag ‘em out.  Therapy’s expensive anyway.

7)  I’m A Slave 4 U by Britney

FACT: ladies that substitute words for letters are 138% skankier than other women.

8)  Gett Off by Prince

There seems to be a trend of lax spelling and grammar in song associated with sex.  But even a little dubious English can’t get in the way of Prince’s awesome power to make people want to bone everything.

9)  Freak Me by Another Level

I have disturbing memories of being 12 years old, and hearing this track for the first time blaring out at my school’s Saturday Morning Club.  Note to would-be parents; don’t educate your kids in Birmingham.  It is fucked up there.

10)  How Many Licks? by Lil’ Kim

As one observant YouTuber comments, “You don’t fuck Lil’ Kim, Lil’ Kim fucks you”.  According to this little ditty, her va-jay-jay comes in different flavours.  She is yet to divulge what those flavours are.  We’re hoping for pistachio.

And one more…

11)  Push It by Salt and Pepper

Push what, you ask?  The limits of public decency.  Atta girl.

* Please note, ‘social circle’ is not intended as a euphemism.  Though, in hindsight, it totally is a euphemism.

We’ve immortalised all but one of these classy tunes in a Tuesday Top Ten Playlist on The Spotify, just in case you need to invoke your Whore of Babylon any time soon.  But we’re not done, oh no – we want to know your slut anthems.  So hit us up below…and remember ladies, play safe. ;)

by Sticky Toffee Pudding

You’ve really got to marvel at the wonders of the internet haven’t you? I mean what did people do before the rise of that glorious pit of procrastination that is Youtube? How did people ever avoid doing the things they were meant to be doing? After all there’s only so many times you can play PONG on your Digital VT-100 before the monotonous, mindnumbingly slow beep, beep, beeping causes you to gnaw at your own arm as your brain gradually turns to mush. Or you just give up and get cracking on that essay/project/presentation due, desperate for stimulation.

Thank Meredith we live in a time where one can happily waste a whole week staring at the screen clicking on link upon link; opening their eyes to new and exciting clips of everything, everything, everything. I mean how else would I have discovered this little gem below?

Now I’ve got to admit, I’m a big lover of  old classic musicals. You can blame my parents for sitting my in front of  videos with 6 hours worth of recorded TV as a small child. Whilst I’m never quite sure which one I’ve seen, (nothing was ever labelled and everything slightly overlapped),  I never forget a classic tune and I absolutely loved this one as a wee lass. Anyhoot, for this week’s MVM I thought I’d give you all a looksie at what kept me captivated upstairs whilst my mother chopped onions in the kitchen. It maybe an oldie, but it’s most certainly still a goodie.

You’ve gotta appreciate the tap work in that. Still, as frigging awesomely cool as Astaire is he will never eclipse my love for Gene Kelly. Honest to God I’d go back in time and marry this guy if I could. Sadly Youtube is being greedy and refuses to let me embed, however I strongly recommend you check out this little clip right here. And if that doesn’t do it for you, this one surely will. You’ve got Cyd  Charisse in that one too – what a bonus.

…

My my wasn’t that a treat. Fancy some more Music Video Monday  joy? Why not take your pick from this list right here? Quickly now, whilst you’re boss isn’t looking. Go on, you know you wanna!

by Sticky Toffee Pudding

Ah, do you remember the good old days when rather than pluck up the courage to talk to the sexy, sweaty lady you’ve been making eyes at at the gym, you instead creep up to her exercise bike after she’s departed and surreptitiously sniff the section where her, er… ‘front derrière’ has been. No you say? Neither do I.

However if you are a creepy pervert you’ll be pleased to know our friends in Deutschland have taking the panty-sniffing business to the next level. Rather than sneaking into the laundry room and swiping all the French knickers out the dryer you can do away with that feeling of shame as you bury your nose in some hot mama’s underwear. Indeed you no longer need the underwear as some crazy perv revolutionary swot has managed to capture the unique essence of our lady bits for your smelling pleasure. Yep, that’s the smell of your vag, in a bottle.*

Be advised, this is not a perfume, oh no, it’s sole purpose is to please those who enjoy breathing in the secret scent of a lady. That’s right, inhale and groan, you sick bastards.

…

*This is a genuine product I kid you not! Of course it’s clearly aimed at men; after all, we ladies can sniff our own pants. The phrase ‘eugh!’ pretty much springs to mind along with a wary glance over the shoulder. Check out the website here, if you’re not quite traumatised yet. Don’t worry, you will be.

Whilst you’re in creepy stalker, bordering on psychotic mode how about a playlist of equally disturbed measure to enhance your ecstasy as you sniff away? Check out Fairy Cake‘s Tuesday Top Ten Songs To Stalk People To.

by Sticky Toffee Pudding

One of my favourite things about TMC are the comments we get. Whether it’s an objection to some bloody pics, the sharing of some gay slang or just a reader’s support, it’s always great to get feedback, no matter how small, ranty or random. There’s no denying the role that our readers (that’s you lovely lot) have played in the evolution of TMC: we’ve adapted and grown based on your feedback. And what better tribute than to encapsulate one reader’s particular comment through the medium of animation. If you’re out there B I’ve just got to say: thank you for sharing. :D

by Fairy Cake

The Friday feeling I have today evades traditional emotive description. I fear the only way I could possibly begin to illustrate to anyone the sense of crushing entrapment impounding me, would be to lock them in a small cage, and repeatedly bang on the steel exterior while yelling “EVERYONE ELSE IS HAVING FUN AND YOU ARE GOING TO DIE SAD AND ALONE”.

But how to counter such impending doom? Find a song so rapturous that it unapologetically shits on that Friday feeling from a great height.

At just 18 years old, wee Scot Unicorn Kid is signed to Ministry of Sound, has remixed the Pet Shop Boys and toured with Calvin Harris. And all these facts would probably hurl me further into my well of self pity, if his music wasn’t so blindingly awesome. Mr Kid is affiliated with a movement called ‘chip’, which attempts to incorporate the sort of low-res glitches and bleeps you used to get on old school Gameboys into something coherent and danceable.

But you don’t need to know that. What you need do, is break out of your steel cage of despair, turn this shit up, and rave like that guy at G-A-Y whose had too many poppers. EPIC.  TUNE.

Listen to/download a high quality MP3 of ‘Lion Hat’ here, or check out the YouTube below.

I managed to catch half of Unicorn Kid’s set at Truck Festival this July, and it still remains one of the most joyous musical experiences of my life.  He’s playing Bestival this year, so if you’re lucky enough to have tickets, I thoroughly recommend you check him out.

By Petit Fours

If you ever wanted tumblr-powered, tartan-backed proof that gay boys really are the wild chemically-enhanced party ladies that appear in musical theatre and the daily mail’s letters’ section, then it can be found on Community Gossip.

This is a blog. It’s what the Joiners would be like if it were a blog. Most of it is fairly incomprehensible, but the glossary is real gem. Read it in its full glory here. Here are a few edited titbits of The New Polari:

Angel - Pronoun. A term of affection. Related to ‘babes’, eg ’Dying to see you tonight Angel!’ (see also ‘Negative Angel’)
Bize – Goodbye (formal)
Bizies – Goodbye (informal)
Hizies- hi, ciao(zies) etc (informal) eg. ‘Hizies angel babes station!’
Homo Zapien – An unfortunate individual who is so boring and earnest that they manage to extract the very party essence from even the most powerful of the Angel Alliance. Lighten up girls, life is a party! (see http://communitygossip.tumblr.com/post/931955400/new-moon-ferocity)
Shopping for disco - To go clubbing, eg. ’ I can’t make the conference on The Misguided Power of Heteronormative Behavior because I’m shopping for discotonight. Bizies.’

Now you can say hizies to those angels you meet on the Hackney Road after you’ve been shopping for disco and understand what they say back to you. If in doubt… clearly take a french/italian word, add owzie, and maybe rub your nipples a bit.

[via christa,thanks angel]

Related: Lesbian slang, the collected annals

by Sticky Toffee Pudding

So whatever happened to Lip Service: BBC3′s foray into the complex, too often cringe-worthy world of lesbian entanglement? Their promise of a British L Word seems to have drained away over time, much like my respect for Jenny Schechter did circa 2006/2007. (Seriously, she wasn’t THAT bad in season one!) According to their website Lip Service was set to hit our screens in Spring 2010. So what’s going on?

Has our dear old Beeb forgotten about us? Have they pulled the plug on what was set to be a monumental development for lesbian representation on British TV? Do they no longer care about my wish to see attractive ladies fumbling about with each other on screen?

Well thankfully the answer is no, they haven’t pulled the plug; and indeed they do care about my tele-visual needs, it’s true, I asked.* Rather it’s a question of scheduling. After a quick chat with the lovely press lady at BBC Scotland I was informed that the show has been pushed back to Autumn and would be hitting our screens around October or so. Apparently there isn’t any explicit reason for this; it’s just the nature of scheduling. But the show was shot around that time last year so that could have been a factor in the decision. I asked about the lack of information/ teasers/ sneak peaks on offer and was informed we should stay tuned as more will be coming our way very, very soon.

…

…

So why does it even matter? Hasn’t the lesbian world enough real life drama already, do we really need it reflected on screen? Well pushing aside my excitement at the prospect of lesbians with Scottish accents, I would say most certainly yes we do, as Stonewall’s latest report shows. There are so few representations of LGBT characters on British TV – particularly lesbians – that I would seriously struggle to write a Tuesdays Top Ten. (Anyone fancy giving it a go?) So it’s incredibly infuriating when I see articles such as this; slamming the entire effort whilst giving no courtesy whatsoever to the fact that this is such a big step in the right direction for British TV. Obviously Lip Service won’t cover the entire spectrum of gay girl experience (no show could ever realistically do so) but having an entire show dedicated to and portraying lesbians is a huge step forward, away from the sort of archaic stereotypical token lez that’s thrown into a popular soap every now and then. Lets just hope others soon begin to follow.

…

*I didn’t.

Haven’t quite satisfied your Lip Service fix with this article? Why not read a few more as written by our very own Florentine.

First Peak Teaser For Lip Service

Cast Announced For BBC’s Lip Service

Lip Service Gets Green Light From BBC

by Ground Almond

Koochooloo proudly presented Gay Bingo, hosted by everyone’s favourite drag queen and cult entertainer, Jonny Woo. His gay bingo nights have earned the reputation for being one of the most flamboyant bingo nights you will ever find. With the number 69 popping up more times than, lets say the average ‘straight’ bingo – he made participants demonstrate a 69er with him, on the floor, every time. The prizes got a bit more intense as the games went on. From gentle bunny ears as the first prize, all the way to plastic cock pants in the third game, in which Bica (the lucky winner) was a good sport and clearly (see below) demonstrated the use of a plastic cock.

I think the pictures speak clearly enough… Lets hope Koochooloo brings back Jonny Woo for another session.

photos by Sophie Allen

by Apple Pie Mochi

The recent spat between A. A. Gill and Clare Balding got me pondering the too-often-ignored social lubricant that is lesbian etiquette. Not the ‘take off your nail-varnish pre-fisting’ variety, but the sort of thing that gets straight people invited to gay parties; the stripes you gotta earn to be a male guest at the Candy Bar or a gay girl’s BFF. Whatever the benefits (hey, who doesn’t want to up their facebook friends?) it seems to me that not enough people make the effort to learn the rules. Happily, plenty of us get to bumble around kissing girls without being excluded, committed or punched in the face, but I can’t help seeing random acts of lesbian-targeting rudeness as the thin end of the wedge. In between writing letters to Amnesty and volunteering for Stonewall it would be nice if we could persuade people to be polite.

It seems to me, in my extensive experience as an out lesbian who um… interacts with people that most of the stuff that spoils my day is not perpetrated by flaming homophobes, but by people dopily repeating something stupid they heard on the radio. Plainly, we need to clarify what’s acceptable. Perhaps via the medium of a list…

1. Assume nothing.

It’s Monday morning and there’s a newbie in the office / cockpit / vestry. You may be tempted to get her chatting by suggesting she checks out the Diet Coke delivery man or commiserates with you about boys who never call. However, those with a grasp of lesbian etiquette avoid such topics and stick to the latest episode of Dr Who or the location of the hymn numbers. Okay, so having to put up with people’s heteronormative assumptions is not really such a big deal (and they do give lesbians an opportunity to come out) but it’s kind of tiring, rather like having people constantly mispronounce your name.

2. Don’t disillusion grandma.

Don’t assume your new lesbian buddy (YNLB) is out to everyone. She might have told you in excruciating detail about her crush on Doris the air hostess but don’t be tempted to share this with her mother: “Hi Mrs Patel! Isn’t it great that Anita finally turned Doris?!” unless specifically told it’s okay. It’s best to be superlatively cautious with this one. Even if Anita is holding hands with her new squeeze at a family gathering, consider the possibility that grandma just thinks Doris is a bit shy.

3. Gina Gershon? Well, she’s handy around the house.

Actually, we’re not really that interested in why you don’t find butch women attractive. We like them. So does Angelina. This also goes for transpeople. Well, we’re not actually sure if Angelina fancies transpeople, but they have to put up with a lot of unwarranted crap and you might want to think about that before casting any casual aspersions.

4. No, you can’t watch.

When YNLB announces ‘Actually, I’m gay,’ the correct response, guys, is not, ‘Even better,’ ‘I don’t mind,’ or ‘Can I watch?’ This stopped being funny in the 70s. Nor – guys, girls, gay men and indeed lesbians – is the correct response ‘But you’re so pretty!’ Nobody takes this as a compliment. Also, DRUNK men, now is not a good moment to enquire as to what lesbians actually do in bed.

5. No, you really can’t watch.

Actually, two girls kissing each other does not represent an invitation to stand around gawping or, and I cannot sufficiently emphasise this, taking pictures on your mobile phone. I know Katy Perry has confused this issue somewhat. But don’t worry, cos I just cleared it right up.

6. Lesbians!!!

The above is not funny. Or filthy. Well, we are occasionally filthy. But we object to you using the official appellative of our sexual identity as a signpost to the ridiculous and/or shocking. We don’t want to hear any more about lesbian vampire killers, lesbians to whom you wish to be covered in chocolate and thrown, or any type of lesbian ‘romp’. It just confuses people and leads to pruriently-placed stickers, to which we also object.

7. Gay is not a four-letter word.

If you’re over 18, you are too old to be using ‘gay’ as a dismissive epithet. If you are under 18, Stonewall will sort you out.

8. God has not yet smitten me.

So don’t tell me I need to be saved. How many lesbians do you know who’ve been struck by lightning?

9. The fat lady has not yet sung.

I recently had a truly depressing conversation with someone who thought it was ‘un-PC’ to mention the fact that in many countries of the world, people are still imprisoned or even executed for being gay. Globally, discrimination is still the norm, and most gay people know someone who’s suffered because of it. And if you laugh nervously while I’m explaining to you that my girlfriend’s parents kicked her out and tried to put her on medication for being a lesbian, you’re not just acting rude, but also ignorant.

10. Over to you.

Do you remember those ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books that let teenagers pick the story’s outcome by choosing between pairs of page numbers? Well, this isn’t really anything like that, but I’ve decided that in the democratic spirit of Web 2.0, the last point on my list is up to you (so I get nine and you get one, as I used to tell my little brother before he could count.)

Do you hate being chatted up by men in lesbian bars? Prefer to be addressed as ‘zhe’? Let us know and we’ll add our favourite to the list next week.

by Mint Cake

Queerbashing is hardly deemed the stuff of the intellectual elite. And yet the prestigious Sunday Times is the latest publication to be accused of publishing offensive and homophobic material in what has swiftly become a national scandal. For those who are yet to hear the sordid ins and outs of this particular jockey-versus-columnist squabble, it goes something like this:

1 – A.A. Gill, the infamously irreverent Times columnist, writes a review of TV presenter Clare Balding’s latest show ‘Britain by Bike’. He inexplicably includes an offensive and largely irrelevant parting shot along these lines:

‘Some time ago, I made a cheap and frankly unnecessary joke about Clare Balding looking like a big lesbian. And afterwards somebody tugged my sleeve to point out that she is a big lesbian, and I felt foolish and guilty. So I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise. Sorry. Now back to the dyke on a bike, puffing up the nooks and crannies at the bottom end of the nation.”

2 – Balding, whose interests surprisingly don’t appear to include testosterone-fuelled homophobic banter, requests an apology from the Sunday Times Editor, John Witherow.

3 – Witherow, by way of “apology”, twists the knife in yet further:

“In my view, some members of the gay community need to stop regarding themselves as having a special victim status and behave like any other sensible group that is accepted by society. Jeremy Clarkson, perhaps the epitome of the heterosexual male, is constantly jeered at for his dress sense (lack of), adolescent mindset and hairstyle”

4 – Balding publishes aforementioned reply on Twitter and lodges an official complaint with the Press Complaint Commission.

5 – All Twitter-ish hell breaks loose.

Cue an explosion of cyber-rage from both sides, with the Balding fans accusing both Gill and Witherow of nothing short of hate crime, and the Gill crusaders bemoaning the oversensitive self-obsessed nature of the nation’s gays.

As ever, ‘free speech’ was among the first arguments wheeled out in Gill’s defence. “Mr Gill can take the mickey out of whoever he damn well pleases”, squeaked Times readers, “and Ms Balding needn’t get so uppity about it!” Certainly, biting wit is an essential part of any good columnist’s repertoire, to be deployed at will. Where Gill went wrong, however, is in his offensive choice of words. ‘Dyke’, no matter how much we use it within the gay community, remains a term of abuse. It certainly doesn’t sound funny when being yelled at your from the other end of the N88. Not that Gill would know anything about that. Terms like ‘dyke’, ‘queer’ and what we Brits squeamishly refer to as the ‘N-word’ are all former insults, taken and defused by the very minorities they were once hurled at. Their usage is acceptable, but only within that community. And A.A. Gill may be many things, but a lesbian, he certainly is not.

Others accused Balding of making a show of her sexuality, claiming that she was getting what she deserved for parading it in people’s faces. Hardly. Balding has done little more than be open the fact that she has a female partner. Not a ‘Dip me in chocolate’ T-shirt in sight. The only people trying to attach any sort of label to her, it would seem, are those attempting to undermine her, who can find little else to criticise her for. All rather infantile, non?

Finally, Balding’s critics dismissed the entire affair as an over-reaction on her part. Now given that the Sunday Times has a weekly circulation of well over 1 million, her objection to being humiliated in print hardly strikes me as unreasonable. We’re not talking about back-of-the-bus name-calling here. That the Press Complaints Commission are considering her claim only backs up her objection. The ST Editor claims that if Jeremy Clarkson can handle gags about his hair, then Clare Balding can put up with jokes about her lifestyle. Since when did one’s choice of hair product equate to one’s sexuality? I must have missed that memo.

Sadly, Balding isn’t the first to be let down by the British press, and she won’t be the last. The Sun choked on its own laughter with its “Elton takes David up the aisle” headline on the day of Elton John’s wedding. Stephen Gately had been dead for less a week before Jan Moir unleashed her bit of Daily Mail venom, in which she essentially claimed that gay = promiscuous = likely to die a young deserved death.

Why, then, in the big journalistic playground are gay men and lesbians still seen as an acceptable target for casual intellectually-void name calling and insult slinging? It seems that sexuality, unlike religion or race, is still viewed as a frivolous aspect of human identity, and thus fair game for mockery and insult. It’s only through challenging this assumption, as Balding has done, and refusing to accept casual bigotry, that incidents like this will stop cropping up with such alarming frequency.

A man who once referred to the Welsh as ‘pugnacious little trolls’, and wrote off the Isle of Man as a ‘hopelessly addicted, criminal cesspit’,  A.A Gill has never been afraid to cross the line. This time he may just have gone too far.

by Lemon Tart

She can do no wrong. x x x o

by Lemon Tart

“Never to be forgotten, that first long secret drink of golden fire”

- Laurie on drinking Cider, with err Rosie in Cider with Rosie by Laurie Lee

Wise words. If you’re supposed to be snapping a night, don’t drink A LOT of lovely cider. I blame said consumption on:

1. The lack of pics

2. The fact that the camera button was only pressed when this cider-stupored snapper was pressed to um press it

Anyway, the results are below.

As not 100% portrayed by these stills, the Resistance Gallery in Bethnal Green was an amazing venue to host our lil vid showing. Thanks to Emma Peters (Twat Boutique), Cum & Sea and Daisy Collinge for their magic music skills; as well as Kal Lavelle and Kerry Leatham for their stunning live sets.

photos by Holly Falconer

by Devil’s Food Cake

Logging onto my facebook after two weeks of stalking-less bliss, I was eager to see what my friends had been up to. Since the weekend past was the gay pilgrimage that is Brighton Pride, I rolled through the obligatory photo ops, the (let’s be honest) prurient patrons and the myriad rainbow umbrellas that are Pride staples, and then came to a rather interesting post about the commercialization of pride, which questioned whether commercial sponsors are desirable or, to be more frank, necessary at such events.

To put this into context: Pride was, and is still to many, a protest. It is a message from the LGBTQ community of any city that our sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of; a day on which, once a year, we come out in droves, take over and generally display the strength of our (convictions) with courage and – let’s face it – a good deal of colour. We are loud, we are proud – you know the deal.

But what happens when the people taking part in the parade are not just us fearless queers, but also the corporate entities funding the event? The post I read questioned the legitimacy of the presence of a Nando’s contingent, a throng of well-endowed men in skimpy costumes, parading around with t-shirts screaming to all within eye-shot that their chicken was ‘worth coming out for’.

Several points were brought up in this regard: firstly, of course, coming out is an arduous experience, not one to make light about in order to convince a few hungry passers-by to stop in for some flame-grilled chicken. Secondly, what the hell does peri-peri chicken (or any flogged product) have to do with Pride? And thirdly, is a Pride float legitimate if its presence serves only to advertise a clothing store or some product of calorific intake?

The first point, the clever slogans name-dropping seminal experiences in LGBTQ life, is pretty self-explanatory. The negative issues that affect people coming out in the UK vary, from those who lose family and friends and even homes over the experience, to those who are physically, violently assaulted for the act. Such experiences, and those who suffer them, should not be reduced to four words designed to entice people into buying spicy chicken treats.

Secondly, Pride is, after all, not a mere show to remind the rest of the population that gay people exist. Many parades have floats that drive home realities about domestic violence, sexual health and international LGBT issues, and the very roots of the event are steeped in the necessity that existed in decades previously to make clear that members of the LGBTQ community were not going to take harassment and criminalization lying down – that LGBTQ rights are human rights, and that to behave in any other way is a violation of these rights. The commercialization of Pride can be seen to dilute this message, pushing a money-making agenda over one that seeks to better conditions for, and consolidate the rights of, people in the LGBTQ community. Considering how deadly the effects of homophobia can be, it is important to make sure that this message isn’t diluted – and by flogging chicken products, this dilution is a very real possibility.

Finally, while I am all for different companies or corporations extending their support to Pride parades, it is a worrying possibility that this presence is all words and no action. It is one thing to send people who may or may not actually work for you to represent your contingent at Pride (Selfridges, I’m looking at you). It is another thing entirely to send a group along to Pride every year with banners advertising your company and banana-hammocks to match, and to think that being at Pride fulfills your social responsibility quota for the year. Take, for example, Target in the US. Although they sponsored Pride in Minnesota this year, they have also recently donated $150,000 in support of a ‘rabidly’ homophobic Republican political candidate. Which do you think makes more of an impact? While corporate presence at Pride – or any LGBTQ-supporting – event may not be a bad thing, the idea that a company can pledge support in name to LGBTQ efforts then turn around and hand over significant amounts of money to homophobic efforts is laughable.

On the flip side of those arguments, however, is the advantage of corporate sponsorship. I ran an LGBT society for almost two years, and it is exhausting trying to get funding for various events. On one hand you want to provide a fun, extensive, inclusive event, and on the other, you don’t always have the facilities or funds to provide that. In these cases, corporate sponsorship is like a Godsend – and all you need to do is stick some logos on your posters. Pride is an expensive event to run – what with stages, security, barriers, council permissions and so much more – so this money isn’t something that can be easily disregarded.

Furthermore, there are certain advantages that probably wouldn’t be available if we refused any corporate sponsorship of the march. In London, the march moves from Baker Street to Trafalgar Square, passing through a heavy portion of Oxford Street and Regent Street. To enable this route, through the heart of the city, the permission of the council is obviously necessary, and the council is swayed in no small part by the corporate bodies that line the very streets we walk. While I am not suggesting that Pride should be held hostage to the demands of the shops and shop-owners of central London, it’s important to note that their demands are no small consideration.

Allowing or accepting corporate sponsorship at Pride events might not be the most desirable of things, especially for those of us who desire a strong and undiluted political Pride message, but it looks almost inevitable that corporate sponsorship would be needed in one way or another. Consider the now defunct Soho Pride, canceled for two years running because of funding difficulties (and that damned Crossrail).

That said, there are groups, such as Reclaim The Scene, that work to re-politicize Pride and bring LGBTQ issues back to the top of the Pride agenda (RTS made particularly spectacular progress at Manchester Pride, which apparently charges patrons who want to take part – atrocious!). But in London, where Pride parades are, of course, free for those who want to march with any registered float, how would a commercial cleansing work? Unfortunately, whilst it is easy to say that Pride should be returned to its roots – political, community-led and free from the constant commercial assault we tend to see at Pride marches today – that seems to be much easier said than done.

by Hot Cakes

While the gays of California (along with many happy gays all over the globe) were celebrating the overturning of Prop 8 (California’s ban on gay marriage), the lesbians of East London (and their chums) were doing everything but being matrimonial at Dalston Superstore.

As usual, Twat Boutique was heaving with hedonism: dancing, talking, gossiping, looking and being looked at. Twat Boutique resident DJs along with MDMX and Gay for Disco! kept the crowd moving upstairs and down all night.

Here are some photos for your viewing pleasure…

photos by Christa Holka