Are you safe sexting?

by Florentine

They’re at it again.  The tabloid wordsmiths have donned their respective thinking caps once more, smugly inventing another jaunty hybrid word for the increasingly obese dictionary of modern slang.  Whilst you may have been sending flirty texts to your eye-candy-du-jours since the bygone dawn of SMS, the lingo-juggernaut was briefly stuck in traffic, but coming up right behind you the whole time. For those of you not yet in the know, ‘sexting’ is the communication phenomenon of whispering explicit naughty nothings to your lover’s inbox via text, in a bid to warm them up for the (presumably) impending real thing.

The subject has been garnering much in the way of (bad) press for a number of months now, mostly focussed on the exchange of nude or semi-nude photographs between minors who have, in some cases, had their images circulated around their school, social groups or even globally, on the world wide web.  Of course, the danger arises once the photograph has left the relative safety of your phone, at which point its mistreatment by the recipient can quickly render the material irretrievable.  But what of us fully-consenting adults?  Step away from the bleak stories of child pornography charges and harassment, and sexting becomes a fun, flirty and accessible way to communicate your hidden desires to the person you want to share them with most.  If, like many people, you find it difficult to verbally unleash your inner bedroom animal, sexting can provide the perfect channel to let your woman know what you’re really thinking about doing with her – often at deliciously inappropriate times.

Just like its more cocksure older brother ‘dirty talk’, there is a perilously thin line to be negotiated when attempting to become a ‘sexter’ however, and landing the right side of it can mean the difference between  ending up a tantalising goddess of lust… or the world’s worst porn star.  Tricky.  Add to this the further dilemma of who sends the first ‘sext’ and when it’s appropriate to do so (clue: not in your first loo break on date no.1) and you’ve got yourself the beginnings of an expansive sextual minefield to tip-toe sweatily across.  For the benefit of all you virgin sexters (and perhaps a little for the experts), I’ve put my tongue firmly in my cheek and come up with a short collection of crucial dos and don’ts that you may wish to adhere to.  The reward?  Minimal egg on your face and the retaining of your job.  Take heed.

DO make sure your sext goes to the right person.  Nothing worse than telling your boss your plans to touch him (down there) till he’s wet.

DON’T be too explicit.  You’re a nice, classy girl who likes sex; not an auditionee for an X-rated porno.

DO get creative with your words.  Reading something you wouldn’t normally expect your partner to say can be a huge turn on.

DON’T promise things you can’t deliver.  Getting someone hot under the collar all day is very well, but if you’re too tired/grumpy/busy to follow through when you finally meet up, it kind of ruins the fun.

DO consider sending a naughty photo to hot up your sexts, so your woman can visualise what lies ahead.

DON’T send said photo to somebody you don’t know well enough to completely trust.  Thankfully girls are much better than men in that respect, and would never usually dream of flaunting a nude pic of their latest catch to all 20 of their friends down the pub (shame on you), but you always get a bad egg.

DO make your sexts complimentary.  Telling your girlfriend you want to run your tongue all over her body… except her feet because they’re all small and weird and she never paints her toenails properly, is not conducive to good lust-making.  Make her feel like the best lover in the world and she’ll be keen to remind you why later.  Everyone wins.

DON’T start sexting inappropriately.  If you’ve met someone once and never even kissed, chances are your explicit demands will make them run a mile (or make you look like a creepy, sex-mad stalker).  What you don’t want is for your message to land in the hands of someone who, unfortunately, sees your relationship as platonic only.  This is how court cases happen.

DO make sure you don’t leave your phone lying around mid-way through a sexting sesh.  Your bedroom antics are always best kept private… and your nosy flatmate might vomit a little bit in her mouth every time she sees you for the next week, which would serve her right.  But do you really want to be quoted at social events for the next six months?

DON’T drunk sext.  Just like drunk texting and drunk phone calls, you will always write or say something completely ridiculous.  Being merry is fine – so long as all your faculties are firmly in place, the dutch courage might even encourage you to be a bit more risqué than normal.  Being wasted and creating the text equivalent of ‘webdings’ is not.  And the recipient will be fully aware that the only thing they’ll be doing when you get home, is stopping you from eating peanut butter on cheese and holding your hair back while you throw up.

DO enjoy it!  Sexting is fun and should be treated thus.  Stick to rules, stay safe and hope beyond hope that your parents never catch on to the craze.