But I could have sworn she was…

by Sticky Toffee Pudding

Gay Radar, I find, can be a funny old thing. That hidden ability to sense out a person’s sexuality often with just one glance is considered a staple skill of any lesbian worth her salt. Generally speaking you either have it or you don’t. Unfortunately in my experience, I’ve often found my Gay Radar generating nothing but static - shock horror I know! But when it comes to the ladies I’ve always found it a tad difficult to tell whether or not that adorable smile is mere politeness, or an actual sign of flirtation. I mean it’s bloody easy with men isn’t it? (there was something very telling out about H from Steps long before he leapt out the closet in all his theatrical delight) But when it comes to women, I’ve always seen them as the subtle sex. I can barely interpret what they’re thinking, let alone figure out whether or not they mind a bit of girl-on-girl.

That’s not to say that some women aren’t bleeding obvious; you do get the odd ‘100-footer’ that any fool could spot a mile away. Blind people could probably spot them a mile away, their guide dogs sniffing out the gayness. Still, I find with most lesbians it’s not as obvious as I would hope – not unless they’re locked in the arms of another lady, in which case I’ve still got no chance.

The thing that truly intrigues me though is how; I’m mean just how exactly does one tell? A quick examination of my friends concludes that none of them are particularly obvious (bar one or two perhaps) but then I wasn’t exactly surprised upon finding out which way they swing. It all seemed to fit together. There’s nothing in particular that suggests it but upon discovering their sexuality, it makes perfect sense. This leads me to believe that Gay Radar is more than just sussing out a persons style and image; it’s also about the way they represent themselves to the world… and not just physically.

Attitudes are important and you can tell a lot by the way a person conducts themselves. There are some lesbians out there who feel their sexuality plays a huge part in their identity and it’s these woman that, generally speaking, are easier to spot. Whether they’re modelling the latest Stonewall t-shirt or have rainbows tattooed up their arm, you know straight off. There are other women of course, who are obvious simply because they are so sexual. Whether they’re flirting shamelessly with every woman they meet or admiring the curves of every female that passes by, you’ve little doubt which gender they’ll be taking home tonight.

For the majority of women who are neither irresistible charmers nor political activists however, I find it’s not always so obvious. Probably because, despite their sexuality playing a significant role in their lives, it is by no means the be-all-end-all. Rather, it holds as much prominence as it generally would for anyone; gay, bi or straight. It is with these women, these elusive mysterious polite types, that I often have difficulty with. Painfully, this can sometimes lead to me getting it very wrong. There is little else that can rival the embarrassment of trying to backtrack when it becomes clear that what you thought was a date was actually just coffee. This moment of realisation always occurs of course as you try to kiss your unsuspecting ‘date’, only for her to back away in horror (this situation is equally woeful if the person in question happens to be gay but just doesn’t fancy you).

I think, when it all comes down to it, Gay Radar is mostly about context. At the right club or bar you often make that assumption that she shares your tastes in gender. But in the everyday world, whether it be the woman at work, the neighbour in the flat opposite or that girl sat next to you on the tube, how can you tell? I know I am utterly useless. Probably because as a product of society I am taught to assume that an average looking girl is usually straight (they are 45% of the population so they say) but mostly because I’m useless. Nevertheless I try to counteract any assumptions I make by immediately entertaining the notion that the opposite may ring true. Maybe the gorgeous girl on the Central Line does appreciate the female form as much as I do? Which of course leads me to the possibility that she might even be interested in me? Perhaps a smile will give me an answer? Well it would if women weren’t so goddamn friendly.