Celesbian power couple Mary Portas and Melanie Rickey just got married: this is why we’re obsessing over them

by Arctic Roll

While most of us were busy being hungover/deleting random drunken Tweets/perving over wholly unsuitable women last weekend, some people were busy pursuing altogether more wholesome pursuits. Like getting married. And by some people, we mean The Best Lezzer Couple Ever, Mary ‘Queen Of Shops’ Portas and Melanie Rickey.

Mel n’ Mary tied the knot in Marylebone last weekend, looking resplendent in custom-made Antonio Berardi frocks accompanied by a shitload of YSL. We’d like to be them when we grow up. And so should you. Here’s why we are mostly obsessing over Mrs and Mrs Portas right about now:

Reasons why we love Melanie Rickey:

1. She’s hot

Hello, Melanie, why didn’t we snap you up a long time ago?

2. She wears nice clothes

Melanie’s the fashion editor at large at Grazia. In short, she’s oft spied around the Shaftesbury Avenue area, looking very ‘fashion’. It’s the law, if you work at the magazine that Britain’s (second) Best Selling Fashion Weekly (their words, not ours). Literally the least lesbian lesbian ever, apart from Portas.

3. She has a sense of humour

Melanie went to the Candy Bar as part of her hen do. And posed in a sexual manner with one of the pole-dancing poles. All of her friends wore Mary masks. Which sounds more sinister than it actually is, but it wasn’t. It was mega LOLTIMEZ and looked like a right hoot.

4. She’s bringing gay to the masses

Twitter is wonderful thing. And what better way to document your big gay hen party than get a colleague to Tweet pictures of the night on your employer’s actual proper Twitter page. So, the 20,000 people or so who follow Grazia_Live witnessed a little bit of the lez that night. Mel, you’re our hero.

5. She’s now married to the woman of our dreams

Yes, even though we should probably want to blow raspberries at Mel as an act of revenge for her stealing our bird, we don’t. Thanks to M&M, we’ve now got our very own Ellen and Portia. Which is several million shades of brilliant.

Reasons why we love Mary Portas:

1. She’s hot

Yes. She is, isn’t she?

2. She wears nice clothes

Never before has a lesbian been such a fashion icon. The heels! The dresses! The casual name-dropping of Terry de Havilland and Dover Street Market! Not a conversation you’re likely to hear down the Candy Bar, unless you substitue ‘de Havilland’ for Superdry and ‘Dover Street Market’ for the jean section in Diesel.

3. She cares about the world

Our case in point? Her one woman crusade to transform musty and shite-filled charity shops was a resounding success. She became the bloody Queen Of Charity Shops, for god’s sake. You can’t argue with that.

4. She’s got expensive taste

Not that we’re hating on the busiest shop in the history of busy, but for Mary to stand up and say, “Primark’s a bit rubbish” was a bit of a maverick move. And it made us think twice about buying yet another £13 tea dress, simply because it made us realise we’ll never pull a Portas-a-like in budget high street.

5. She’s the Best Gay Ever

Arctic Roll had the pleasure of interviewing Mary last year. She was quite literally the most amazing celesbian we’ve ever encountered. And called us ‘Darling’ in an email. If that’s not swoon-worthy behaviour, then we don’t know what is. Oh and we once heard* that she only employed attractive women at her PR consultancy firm. We like your style, Portas.

(*this may or may not be true)

Related: Top Ten Rumoured Celesbians