Gay slang vol.2: gold star lesbian

by Florentine

If you take a handful of lesbians and plonk them in a room with some biscuits, sooner or later, the conversation will divert to sex.  More specifically in this case, and my own experience, a full and complete sexual history.  Perhaps this not-so-unique event should have a slang term all of its own – the ‘lesbian MOT’?  You heard it here first.

Just to get our pencil cases in order here, it’s not so much your sexual prowess they’re trying to get at in these initial ad-hoc bedroom activity questionnaires (well, maybe a bit) but rather, in the awkward tone of a concerned aunt, your ‘prior dealings with men’.  While many of the holier-than-thou among us don’t like to admit it, lesbians love a good box as much as the next conveniently labelled citizen.  The difference being of course, that we are happy for the box factory to make any box it jolly well likes (apart from the paedophile box, or the serial killer box, or any box of a sinister slash unlawful nature for that matter).  The thing about boxes is they’re pretty useful.  You can stick junk in them; you can recycle them; you can cut a hole in the front and dress up as a washing machine.  They’re also somewhat helpful, at letting you know exactly what you’re dealing with.

I can already hear a few tuts of disapproval in the back row, so allow me to extrapolate a little.  By some miraculous boon, you have met a nice young lady without the assistance of modern technology.  That’s right; no conveniently-provided information box (see?) covering her embarrassing middle name, favourite film of the last decade… or self-defined sexual orientation.  Now, she definitely likes you (in a sex way) because you’ve almost certainly never seen a straight girl do that before, you know, down there.  But hark!  Is this just a weekend thing for her?  Does she buy monthly travelcards to ‘the other side’ to allow for frequent return journeys at reduced cost?  Will the mere presence of a man’s crotch have the ‘Derren Brown’ effect on the direction she’s pointing her libido?  Never mind Smarties, only she has the answer to this one.

For those who aren’t familiar with the above term, a ‘gold star lesbian’ is a she-gay who’s never before slept with a man.  The first time somebody informed me of this (not very long ago actually, I obviously don’t spend enough time on gayslang.com) there was also talk of a silver and bronze variety, categorised by a relative sliding-scale of sexual acts I don’t care to mention – we’re a family website after all.  We’re not.  Anyway… it hasn’t escaped my attention that answering this question (incorrectly?) in front of certain factions of lesociety results in a sharp intake of breath.  “You slept with whaaat?”  A man, yes.  “But, h-h-how COULD you?”  And so on.  Fact is, I’d guesstimate that there’re far more lesbians walking around starless than there are with big, shiny stickers on their cardigans.  So, what I’m wondering, is how far all of this even matters?  When you’re growing up from the mini-you of yesteryear to the somewhat bigger you of adulthood, your life is far from entirely comprised of freewill.  The Government decides what you study, your parents decide what you eat and society decides you’ll have a big white wedding (rank), 2.4 children and a detached home in Sevenoaks.  Or wherever.  I know for a fact that I was ‘going through the motions’ all the way until the day I graduated when, cap in hand, I suddenly realised I had no further plans mapped out.  No more compulsory education, no more parents breathing down my neck and crucially, no more excuses to pretend I was just like all of my heterosexual counterparts.  Which, strike me down, I did attempt (badly) for a while – as it was all I knew and saw.  I just wondered why the crap I hated it so much.

So for all of you who can’t help but wonder where your new beau has been or where she might-possibly-you-never-know be in the future, why not just focus on where she is now and see what happens.  Else just ask her if she’s got her gold star…  handy.

Does it bother you if a lesbian has slept with a man/men in a former life?