In defence of tourists

by Bon Bon

A girl from work took me out to lunch last week and asked if I found ‘straight gay angst’ annoying. Once I’d established this wasn’t angst about me being gay, which would have been annoying, but about her being a little gay, I assured her it wasn’t. Quite the opposite.  Girls wanting to know about girls liking girls - and coming to us for the information – isn’t unusual.  Over the years I’ve come across many of them.  A few are now some of the gayest girls I know, some are still with their boyfriends, and one or two, yes, really are bisexual.

But this was the first time I’d come across the term ‘straight gay angst’, as my colleague put it. It pushed a button in my brain and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.  What is straight gay angst? Does Katy Perry suffer from it? And why do otherwise hetero girls seem to get a bout of it every now and then?

Bi-curiosity critics might put it down to an itch they can’t scratch, boredom with their relationship or just an annoying urge to be ‘adventurous’. But I don’t think that’s the full story. It’s been established that most people are a little bit gay. I’m a (very) little bit straight.  That’s gay enough for meeting that girl to have an impact. You know the one I mean, she’s probably the reason you came out.  For most of us that probably happened in your teens, but for the less gay she could strike at any time.  If it really is ‘straight’ gay angst, it’s still probably not going to be enough to turn most girls into Bette’s Tina, as I know only too well from bitter experience, but it can still be very disconcerting.

My colleague had all sorts of angst, saying: ”I know how to flirt with boys – I nailed that years ago. But I don’t know if there are different rules about flirting with girls – how do I know if she fancies me?”  Worrying she was in danger of objectifying women, she told me she felt like an awkward 13 year old boy who had just discovered that breasts are nice.  I remember having the same worries. At school, I pretended not to be turned on by boobs because I didn’t want my friends to think I was looking at theirs. Since then I’ve learnt that there is nothing wrong with appreciating the female form as long as you are respectful.

So why is it that straight gay angst always ends up coming our way?  At the end of the day, it’s because the sufferers want to be told what they are feeling is ok. And a friendly lesbian can be more likely to say so than your average freaked out friend.  Personally, I’m happy to dish out a bit of queer normalization to anyone that asks.

A friend of mine is reading this over my shoulder and telling me not to be so nice to tourists. Given her recent experiences, I get where she’s coming from.  And yes I’ll admit it, it’s very possible that my easy acquiescence in talking straight girls through their gay angst is less to do with an altruistic desire to make everyone feel happier and more to do with it meaning I can a) talk about myself b) talk about sex c) present myself as an oracle of sexual experience. But even if that’s the case, surely the more people we help normalize their attitude towards all kinds of queerness, the more ‘normal’ queer will become. I think that’s more helpful than the labels of bi-curious, tourist, and mega-dyke, even if those labels do sometimes make us feel better.  So I’ll go on telling those with straight gay angst that it’s okay, because it is okay. And yes, breasts are nice.