Lesbian Typologies : The Absolute Psycho
In an attempt to start some kind of new dating-based labeling system, TMC begins a series of lesbian typologies. Women we have known, loved, and ill-advisedly rodgered, boiled down into somewhat accurate, but probably also somewhat offensive, stereotypes. Today, the Absolute Psycho…
Name : The Absolute Psycho
Found : Every lesbian clique has one. If you can’t identify who she is in your clique, chances are it’s you, you big mentalist.
Presenting characteristics : A horrific amalgamation of every ‘hysterical female’ movie character you can think of; a dash of Glenn Close’s bunny boiler, a sprinkle of Baby Jane, a dab of Winonna’s girl interrupted, and a hefty dollop of that bit in the Craft where Fairuza Balk levitates off the floor and lobs a man out of the window. She’s a Freudian wet dream. The magnitude of her behaviour has given rise to the saying, “all women are psychos”, even though these women represent less than 0.0001% of the female population.
Physical description : Hot enough to make you momentarily forget about all of this.
Career : Often inexplicably working with animals and/or children, even though she typically celebrates getting fired every few months by taking a shit on her boss’s car.
Favourable conversation topics : Herself. But don’t worry, there’s an element of variety. For example, you could be talking about how much she wants to kill you, how much she wants to fuck you, how much she hates you, how much she hates everyone else, how much everyone else hates her, and – very occasionally – how much she liked that movie you saw. There is no pattern to these conversations. There is, as yet, no known way figuring out what triggers an Absolute Psycho’s volcanic erruptions. It’s a bit like back in the day when malfunctioning Furrbies used to start ‘going off’ in the middle of the night for no reason, spewing loud, demonic half-words even though you took the batteries out, leaving you freaked out and fumbling for the off switch in the dark. In fact, it’s is EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
The sex? : Unfortunately the best you’ve ever had.
Likelihood of getting with : Oh, your likelihood of getting with her is really high. Your likelihood of successfully getting rid of her, however … not so much. Always, always avoid. Even if she has a tongue piercing and you’ve always wanted to try that.
Do say : “Have you met my friend Sarah? She likes setting fire to things too, I think you’d get on.”
Do not say : “Chill out babe, it was only a joke.”