In an attempt to start some kind of new dating-based labeling system, TMC begins a series of lesbian typologies. Women we have known, loved, and ill-advisedly rodgered, boiled down into somewhat accurate, but probably also somewhat offensive, stereotypes. First, the omnipresent ‘Straight’ girl…
Name : The ‘straight’ girl
Found : At most gay bars, probably confusing the shit out of everyone.
Physical description : A bit like Holly Willowbooby. The embodiment of the expected female gender role – performed with none of the irony of the cupcake baking, pre-WW2 femmes you might find at Shoreditch WI. Long hair, vaguely fashion-conscious high street get-up, florals, blusher, and impractical shoes.
Career : Interning at a women’s mag, and having a rilly rilly awesome time! xoxo
Presenting characteristics : Very smiley and very enthusiastic, about everything, in a way that means you can’t really discern her IQ. Likes the music, likes the decor, likes you, again in a way you can’t really discern as romantic or platonic. This leads you to conclude, in an uncharacteristically narrow-minded stab, that she is straight, even though she is hanging out in a lesbian bar with your lesbian friends.
Favourable conversation topics : The January sales – specifically how annoying it is that River Island always sabotage their own clothes by putting one lone diamanté somewhere random. Also, unbeknownst to you, pussy. She really likes talking about pussy.
Likelihood of getting with : None. While you’re in the toilet weeping quietly to yourself about how ‘there are no girls left’ on the scene, your mate has clocked that The Straight Girl is actually a mahoosive rugmuncher, and they’re about to call it a night.
Do say : “OMGEEE I would literally fuck your boots wherearetheyfrom!??”
Do not say : “So, boyfriend’s out of town is he?”