Ten Online Dating Tips from some seasoned professionals…

by WendyCake and Crystallised Fruitcake

We can barely remember the days when the phrase “online dating” was met with general derision and scorn. We are all logged on and ready to get off these days. On online dating sites, you can (apparently), get anything you want, whenever you want it. You could find a date, make new friends, find the love of your life. What’s more, they have plenty of quotes from delighted ex-punters to prove it.. “thanks to your site, we are now successfully shacked up, and this Spring our blissful herbaceous border looks like heaven…”

So do we think it’s really that simple? Of course not. Allow us to present ten simple pieces of advice on online lesbian dating…

Sweet, sweet love on the internet…

1. Write a decent self description. Never forget that this is a bit of a sales document. Many people do. Starting out with “Oh err..how embarrassing, I HATE writing about myself..” blah blah is just boring. Everyone likes writing about themselves. Equally leaving it totally blank is just wasteful. Why bother? I won’t bother with you either then. Also avoid saying things like “I have average looks” – who reading that is going to think “ooh I always wanted to date Mrs Average”. Be positive, bold and sell yourself.

2. Don’t write the above self description immediately after a break-up/whilst swigging neat vodka from the bottle/nearing a total mental breakdown. Oh yes people, we have seen plenty of examples of this error. Phrases like “WHY are some people cruel and evil and willing to crush your heart into a million pieces?” or “I have just got out of a 3 year relationship with an evil good for nothing HOARE who deserves to die a slow and painful death”.. She may well be but get over that first: it ain’t attractive to the ladies. And spell whore correctly while you’re at it.

3. Upload some truthful photos. There is plenty to say about the old profile photo debate. Really, unless you work for MI5 or you are a teacher of nasty internet-savvy children, you really should have at least one photo of yourself. I have clashed with those who get very self-righteous about this – along the lines of “it doesn’t matter what I look like..” Yes it does. You don’t have to look like a super model, but you just cannot connect with someone if you don’t know what they look like. Imagine trying to chat a nice lady up in a bar, but wearing a bag over your head with a picture of a camera with a line through it. Pure madness. So why do it online? Whilst we are on the subject of photos, avoid the temptation of using a photo of your cute cat/dog/hamster/stick insect as your profile pic. I know you are trying to say something about yourself, but really, your potential paramour isn’t going to date your beloved dog is she?

4. Avoid the dirty polaroids. It’s a fact that the type of woman who uploads a bad photo of themselves tied up/caged/spreading their legs/showing their entire internal vaginal wall also has very bad taste in interior furnishings. These woman need to be avoided for a number of reasons.

5. The cruel rules of messaging. The generally accepted etiquette (whether rightly or wrongly) is that if they do not reply to your carefully crafted and witty one line opening message, they are not interested. I don’t know why we have become so rude/time poor/lazy/self righteous to ignore each other’s polite messages, but (in the immortal words of Victoria Wood) that’s the Comprehensive system for you. Just remember that they are not interested and move on.

Whilst we are talking messages, text speak is a big no-no. Putting LOL on the end of everything you say is just pathetic. Oh, and to the (real) person who once wrote to me with the delightful “Hi, I luv mature” (sic) please go back to school immediately and do not leave until you have learnt a very big lesson in grammar and basic decorum.

6. Meeting up and getting it on. Apparently in the gay boy world, it appears you exchange a couple of messages along these lines, resulting in a meeting:
Gayboy 1: “Hi, where do you live?”
Gayboy 2: “In Stratford”
Gayboy 1: “Oh, what a coincidence, i am going to be in Stratford later visiting my mother”
Gayboy 2: “Marvellous, why not come around to see me, I’ll leave the back door open”.
Unfortunately, in the lady lez world, things are far more complicated. Lez dates usually consist of subtle games of non-flirtation which result in both parties reaching new levels of bafflement to rival some of the world’s most complex philosophical debates. Without the heterosexual framework of ‘men make the first move’ we bumble about like blind snails. It is time to rewrite the rule books. We recommend liberal use of alcohol and some boldness to resolve matters.

7. Hobbies and pastimes. There seems to be a dearth of hobbies and pastimes. So many Interests sections run along the lines of “I love having fun, going out and having fun, staying in and having fun”. If I have to read one more lez profile which says “I love going out, but equally love staying in cuddling on the sofa with a bottle of wine…”, i’m going to scream. Show me someone who doesn’t like having fun! Show me someone who HATES cuddles on the sofa! Tell us something individual or at least a bit more specific.

8. Stalker heaven and your hell. There is a chance you may pick up a stalker whilst online. Once they have your name, they can Google, Facebook, Twitter, IM you and so on. It is scary what information we liberally sprinkle across cyberspace to make every stalkers dream come true. Lock, block and call the police if necessary. Equally, if you are reading this bit and thinking, OK although I am not yet calling myself a full on stalker, I just couldn’t resist Google, Twitter AND checking her profile pic on Facebook before our date, then stop and seek help now. Before it’s too late.

9. If you are in a relationship, go away. One of the mild joys of actually being in a relationship is the fact that you do not have to feed the OCD brought on by constantly checking your dating messages. The committed single has them all bookmarked across the top of their browser ready for the regular round of checking. (Check messages during working hours on the iPhone to avoid being laughed at by the IT department.) But some annoyingly smug couples would really like to rub it in the face of the rest of us single surfers that they are blissfully happy YET they are just on these dating sites to ‘meet friends’. Just one comment for these people. Get yourself your own website and leave us singles to wallow in our own self pity and hopelessness.

10. Met online, why not breakup online? So if you met online, what’s wrong with breaking up online too? It does save the awkward face to face discussions. And whilst we are at it, why not carry out the entire relationship online like a pair of Avatars? Sex is easy enough through messaging and toys, you can even get toys you can control through a USB connection. Arguments and nagging are very straightforward, in fact easier. Just remember, if you’re cross, leave the CAPS LOCK ON. With a decent phone, you can string the argument on for days, staying connected on the move. GPS app on your iPhone ensures you know where they are at all times. And once you have broken up, you can delete them. Erase their presence. Purge your soul. Finished.

Time to update your profile again.