She’s just not that into you

by Sticky Toffee Pudding

As someone who has had her fair share of unsuccessful, unwise, damn right doomed romances I’ve become well accustomed to figuring out when a girl is not really all that keen. And being a generous sort, I thought over the next few months I would share my wisdom in what I can only hope to be insightful, life-affirming articles. Oh yes, bring on the Pulitzer.

Volume One:  It’s that old garden tool variety

Some ladies you meet will undoubtedly fall head over heels, handing over their keys and introducing you to the cats. Others, it seems, are hos. Pure and simple. Now within the context of this article it is pretty obvious that I am not talking about planting the rhododendrons, however make no mistake neither am I referring to women in a derogatory way. I find the fun thing about the English language is that we all have the power to manipulate it, so when I use the word ‘ho’ I do mean it as a reference to sexual liberty in the most open-minded and unbiased sense. And for me ho is not a term that applies strictly to women. As far as I’m concerned it has no gender bias. I know plenty of hos, male, female, trans. Hell even I’ve got a little bit of ho-ness in myself. Particularly when it comes to certain situations, i.e. two girls, one tongue.

Of course we all know the mother of fictional hos within the lesbian world: Shane of L Word fame, rivalled only by the luscious Papi. But anyone clocking up a thousand plus notches on their bedpost definitely deserves some serious status. And that is usually the case. Those Lifers that just never seem to settle down are often notorious for their smooth talking antics throughout The Scene. Mostly because with The Scene being no more than an extended playground of the usual bars and clubs, everyone knows everyone, but also because women talk, and some even brag.

My friend encountered such a ho recently, who was quite happy to inform her of her status right at the start of the conversation. It was a different city, a different scene, but the same old rules, and anyone who describes themselves as the Asian Shane has some serious ambition. Not that this admission was needed: you could tell from the way she stood there in her casual skinnies and loose cuffed shirt, collar up, suspenders on, floppy fringe and smoky eyes casually scanning the dance floor that she was on the prowl and she wasn’t looking for a wife.

So Asian Shane (who funnily enough was from LA and regretfully declined my request for a photograph) and my friend swapped contact details, had a few flirty messages and decided to meet up for an official date. This went rather well according to my pal. There was partial nudity. However it seems my friend only wanted to whet Asian Shane’s appetite by giving her a sneak peek. And as ‘their love was not consummated’ shall we say, a second date was arranged. Yet my friend did not view the situation in such sceptical terms. She was sure her and Asian Shane had struck up a ‘connection’.  Now don’t get me wrong, my friend was not head over heels in love, but she was certainly in lust.

And as such she could not understand why after their second date (which of course involved The Great Sex) that this lady did not want to hook up again. A fact Asian Shane made pretty clear when she sent my friend a message the next day telling her as such. Her excuse? Because of the soul searching travels she was about to commence upon, combined with the ever-so-hot-sex, she simply couldn’t risk seeing my friend again due to the possibility of further emotional attachment. Kudos for originality there! And at least she counter-struck before the barrage of messages from my friend was churned out.

Now as I mentioned earlier it was lust (and not love) that had gotten my friend all hot under the collar. (Come on, you can’t call yourself Asian Shane without having the skills to match now can you?) So all my friend really wanted (thus revealing her streak of ho-ness) was a little more booty before Asian Shane’s departure. I mean was that really so much to ask? Well yes it was, for Asian Shane clearly likes to order something different each time she eats out. (No pun intended.) Really though, I wouldn’t be surprised if her soul-searching hiatus consisted of her fucking her way across the United States, from New York right back to LA.

My poor friend, bless her: it took a spoonful of tough talk to get her back on track. I mean what was the likelihood that Asian Shane had spent even a quarter of the cognitive capabilities that my friend had, entertaining more casual encounters with her? After all if Asian Shane had wanted more booty surely she would have requested some?

However, my friend thought she’d make one last attempt and that night as we headed out she decided to invite Asian Shane along just on the off chance that something might happen. Well of course she didn’t reply: no surprises there then. Well at least not until we saw her prowling around the dance floor. More loose cuffs, floppy fringe and extra smouldering, wandering eyes. Behold, could I have been wrong? And then their eyes met… ever so briefly as Asian Shane looked away before my friend even had time to focus. Ah rejection, it always bites. Not to worry though, my friend still managed to pull.

Three ways to know that she’s just not that into you

1. Okay so you pulled this really sexy chick on last night’s bender. The details are pretty hazy but you’re sure you had a connection. However she’s not replying to your texts. Want to know why? No, she hasn’t lost her phone, just her interest in you.

2. Now you’ve had a fun albeit a bit awkward first date; there was giggling, fluttering lashes and even a bit of a smooch by the tube station. Yet it’s been three days and you’ve not had a second invite. Nor a response to your ever so sweet, ‘Hey I had a great time with you tonight, hope you got home ok,’ text. Do you want to know why? Well you might actually be a really crap date, but it’s far more likely that you’re just not her cup of tea. Sorry!

3. You’ve met a girl, maybe shared a few moments, but whenever you suggest the two of you ‘hang out’ she always seems to be busy: washing her hair, watching Hollyoaks, doing her mother’s shopping, being too tired from work, the list goes on. No – this woman is not moonlighting as a masked crusader, she’s not superwoman, she’s probably not even super busy. But I think by now you know the real reason.

She’s just not that into you love, now swallow your pride and move on!

Next time: When she’s not even gay. (Or at the very least up for some lady loving.)