Tuesday Top Ten…Slut Anthems

by Fairy Cake

TMC like to think we know our readers quite well.

For example, we know that most of you (apart from those occasional mac-wearing gentlemen who click through to our site hoping to find videos of lesbians wrestling in deserts) are ladies who like ladies.  We know, from our regular snap happy tours of London’s lezzie dives, that you like to drink.  And we know, judging by your disproportionate response to articles that feature the word ‘vagina’, that you like to have sex.

By my calculation, this means that approximately half of you are total sluts.

Hey hey…don’t snarl like that.  It doesn’t suit you.  And I don’t mean it in a bad way, anyway.  Sluts have more fun.  Sluts take the best pictures.  And you can be sure there’s no quicker way to widen your social circle than to fuck anything that moves.*

And heck; if you’re not a slut yet, why hold only your chastity?  If the mental evangelists are to be believed, we sexual deviants got ourselves a one-way ticket to Hell anyway. TMC recommends you embrace your inner skank hoe.  Because, not even the promise of a saintly afterlife could contend with the reality of getting really, really laid.  Whether you’re an ethical slut, a wannabe slut, or total brazen whore, this Top Ten’s for you.

And to the librarians amongst you; what are you waiting for?  Turn it up and whip it off.  Those traffic cones aren’t going to hump themselves.

1) Might Like You Better by Amanda Blank

Amanda Blank suggests that sleeping with someone is the best way to get to like them better.  Thanks, Mandy.  Though best to note that there are some cases where sleeping with someone would have the opposite effect.  If that person happened to be BNP rape-denier Nick Eriksenn, for example.  Or your nan.

2)  Slut?  by Avenue D

Serious lesbo nostalgia evoked by this track.  Reminds me of wearing a dress made out of bin-liners and raving my tits off at some Soho basement bar.  And I quote:

“Shit, you know i’m grade A, top choice beef, baby.”

Yes, you are a piece of meat.  Own it.

3)  Dirrty by Christina Aguilera

Remember – nothing say “slut” like chaps and no panties.  And nothing says “sure thing” like a lesbian at a mud wrestling party.

4)  My Neck, My Back by Khia

Part slut anthem, part instructional audio book, certified skank hoe Khia tells you where you’re supposed to put your tongue.  Y’know.  Just in case you forgot.  (Please note: it is IN THAT ORDER.  Even the skankiest of skanks know not to go for the crack first).

5)  Just Got Paid, let’s Get Laid by the Millionaires

Evident stage-school graduates Millionaires could’ve spent the last few years pouring their looks and questionable talent into doing a Miley.  Instead, they chose to spend them actively promoting alcoholism, and making music that sounds like the Mickey Mouse club hitting a brothel. I am both appalled and mildly aroused.

6)  Fuck The Pain Away by Peaches

It’s difficult to pick just one Peaches track for this list, but this one wins by an inch.  Got issues?  Shag ‘em out.  Therapy’s expensive anyway.

7)  I’m A Slave 4 U by Britney

FACT: ladies that substitute words for letters are 138% skankier than other women.

8)  Gett Off by Prince

There seems to be a trend of lax spelling and grammar in song associated with sex.  But even a little dubious English can’t get in the way of Prince’s awesome power to make people want to bone everything.

9)  Freak Me by Another Level

I have disturbing memories of being 12 years old, and hearing this track for the first time blaring out at my school’s Saturday Morning Club.  Note to would-be parents; don’t educate your kids in Birmingham.  It is fucked up there.

10)  How Many Licks? by Lil’ Kim

As one observant YouTuber comments, “You don’t fuck Lil’ Kim, Lil’ Kim fucks you”.  According to this little ditty, her va-jay-jay comes in different flavours.  She is yet to divulge what those flavours are.  We’re hoping for pistachio.

And one more…

11)  Push It by Salt and Pepper

Push what, you ask?  The limits of public decency.  Atta girl.

* Please note, ‘social circle’ is not intended as a euphemism.  Though, in hindsight, it totally is a euphemism.

We’ve immortalised all but one of these classy tunes in a Tuesday Top Ten Playlist on The Spotify, just in case you need to invoke your Whore of Babylon any time soon.  But we’re not done, oh no – we want to know your slut anthems.  So hit us up below…and remember ladies, play safe. ;)