Tuesday Top Ten.. ways to get pregnant

by Petit Fours

Okay it’s actually Thursday, I know. God I know.

Anyway, we like to be informative here. And I’m going to talk about babies. I saw a picture of one the other day and it was adores. Maybe I’ll want one someday. Who knows. But you don’t get babies by just hanging around in Dalston, no, all you’re likely to get from round there is Chlamydia, a headache and pretentious bacon sandwiches that cost as much you’d earn in an hour working on minimum wage, before tax.

So on behalf of other footloose types occasionally troubled by maternal yearnings and the urge to nurture and clasp something that doesn’t do ketamine, won’t bitch about its colleagues in the film industry or cheat on you with an intern, I have drawn up this guide.

The problem is sperm. Whatever else goes on in lesbian sex, that seldom does.

We all did third form biology – let me recapitulate: when a man and woman love each other very much the erectile tissue on men swells, the two genitalias come together, 23-chromosome sperm cells pop out of the spongey sperm sacs, struggle up the inside of the womb and make a zygote with the ovum. And from then on it’s all about cell multiplication.

So you’ve got the ovum, but where to get the “semen”? Ten top tips.

One
Ask a gay boy to put some in a cup for you. They have lots.

Two
One night stand – standard.

Three
God – he did it once before. It’s usually through the ear though so just be prepared for that.

Four
The sperm bank. Probably one of the top three most reasonable suggestions here.

Five
Ask your girlfriend to try really hard.

Six
Get that amazing procedure where some Dutch scientists fuse two eggs and make a girl. Ideal or what? Sadly I think this has only been tested on sheep and probably costs a million pounds. Otherwise, a great option.

Seven
Adopt. Someone else has gone to all the bother of progressing the sperm to the next stage..

Eight
Go to Stoke Newington. Babies, civil partnerships, vegan lattes – those things just happen in Stoke Newington. Hang around long enough and before you know it, you’ll do all your shopping in wholefood markets and be literally pregnant.

Nine
Forget children, just learn to love a robot. If Steven Spielberg is to be believed, they are going to start giving you back love really soon.

Ten
Well I crowdsourced this problem and got this creative answer from someone I’ll just call “Rachelle”. So, it’s a how-to-get-preggers theory based on a civil war myth in 1880s America where a young woman claimed she was impregnated by a bullet that grazed a solidier’s balls, bounced off a wall and then embedded in her uterus. Owie.
Rachelle’s modern twist on this was hanging around conflict zones in the expectation that surely if there are enough virile soldiers and correctly angled walls, it’s going to happen again sometime. That’s what you get from crowdsourcing. I got Five from “Jo” though, that was better.

NB: fully researched and 100% scientific, we heartily endorse all suggestions given here.

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