Tuesday Top Ten … worst Valentine’s Day gifts.

by Fairy Cake

For the majority of lesbians, Valentine’s Day is a day for getting fucked up.  A day to be spent slumped in the corner of Candy Bar, crying into a bottle of £3.99 Chardonnay.  A day during which your ego will take a royal beating after you decide to cop off with that French girl who looks more than a little like Danny DeVito; whose eyebrows are so massive you wouldn’t be surprised to find they had their own National Insurance Number.

If these lamentable scenarios sounds unfamiliar to you, then TMC gesture rudely in your direction, because you are probably one of those lucky bastards in a relationship.  Congratulations.  Pat yourself on the back.  Bask in the sound of our slow, sarcastic applause.

Should this be the case, we would like to suggest (without a hint of bitterness or Schadenfreude), that this might be a good time to break things off.  What better time to break someone’s heart than the most romantic day of the year?  And what better way to do it than with a tremendously offensive Valentine’s Day gift?  After all, why spend an evening staring into your loved one’s eyes, wanking on about the future, when you could be watching My Best Friend’s Wedding on your own, eating your body-weight in Häagen-Dazs?

Exactly.  So, grab that Sellotape.  Lick that envelope.  Let’s scar her for life.

1)   A Gimp Mask

To avoid her coming to the conclusion that you’re simply trying to introduce a little kink into the bedroom, attach a tag that reads “To Be Worn At All Times”.

2)  Control-Top Stockings

Might as well fly a Zeppelin outside her house that says “You fat bitch”.  Actually, that’s not a bad idea.

3)  A romantic break for one in Crete

Sod off to Greece for a fortnight.  Let her know your priorities.

4)  A Wedding Ring

Even if she did want to marry you, any self-respecting woman would dump you on the spot for sheer lack of originality.

5)  An Offensive Mix-tape.

And we’re not talking Whitney Houston and Chris De Burgh (although, to be fair, both of those artists could well be classed as offensive).  No, you want the contents to be far more suggestive.  Recommended tracks include ‘I Don’t Really Love You Anymore’ by the Magnetic Fields, ‘You’re History’ by Shakespeare’s Sister, and ‘Die Motherfucker Die’ by Suicide Commando.

6)  Chlamydia

Save on gift-wrapping

7) Two fish heads in a box

When in doubt, act like a mentalist.  Particularly creepy when accompanied by a genuinely sentimental message, such as “I saw these and thought of you.”

8) A WW2 Nazi Officer Uniform

We’re all up for pushing sexual boundaries and all, but some boundaries should remain where the hell they are.  Observe.

9)  Pound Shop Perfume

One, suggests she smells.  Two, suggests she smells to such a degree that you’d rather inhale Eau De Baby Sick all day that endure her own signature scent.

10)  Anything by Elizabeth Duke

4 Carats of ‘Fuck Off and Die’.