U-Haul, U-Lose?

by Devil’s Food Cake

Some things never change. The U-Haul has a legendary place in lesbian reality – that mythical coupling that moves in together after a matter of weeks or even days. It was a bad idea at its inception and it’s a bad idea now. Don’t get me wrong – if you’ve been together a considerable amount of time, then there’s probably nothing nicer than getting a place with your significant other. If, however, you can still count the seconds, I would seriously recommend lowering yourself into an ice-cold bath. Still not convinced? Here are five don’ts-and-don’ts for the modern-day instant cohabitant.

1. DON’T get a freaking cat. You’re sleeping and eating and breathing together, you see each other every day, you’re living the lesbian dream. It’s cliché enough without adding a furball to your mess. Plus if things don’t work out, palimony’s going to be hard enough without having to work out who gets weekends with Fluffy.

2. DON’T try to keep tabs on your partner. If you’re sharing a bed 24/7, you’re going to need some spare time. And that time does not need to be shared. By all means let each other know where you are when you’re going to be late or away or if you’ve made plans. But if you need to know where she is every minute of every day, that’s tantamount to stalking. If you’re stalking your girlfriend, you should not be living together.

3. DON’T stop seeing your friends. It’s all fine and dandy when you first move in together and there’s that halo of joy that surrounds the situation for the first couple of weeks. But I know from experience that if you don’t ensure that you make time for your friends, you’re going to regret it. Also – a side-note to a friend of mine: spending time with your friends with your tongue down your girlfriend’s throat is NOT quality time with your friends. It’s quality time with her tonsils.

4. DON’T start finishing each other’s sentences. Nothing is more disturbing than for your friends to have a conversation with you only to find that there’s two of you and you’ve melded minds.

5. DON’T use the bathroom while your partner is in there. You do not need to know what her poop smells like. Keep a little mystery, for God’s sake!