She’s just not that into you: When she’s not even gay
Volume Two: When she’s not even gay
I’m sure that at some point in our lives we’ve all dreamt about the Gaygun. You know, that magical handheld weapon of lurve. You charge it up, tilt the dial to full power (aka irreversible effect) and hit your target with a blast of full-on gayness that quickly saturates to her very core. Side effects include your sudden irresistibility; because yes, had she been an actual lesbian she would be all over you like a rash (ah Shannyn Sossamon, you just need to believe!) with some partial nudity (generally speaking hers, in her attempt to seduce you of course).
However, as much fun as it is to lust over the sexy straight girl in your office with the alluring eyes or the best friend whose fella just doesn’t appreciate her, under no circumstances is it ever advisable to pursue such a lady. I repeat: do not pursue this woman! Seducing such a woman isn’t an enigma just waiting to be solved; it’s a down right impossibility. And as much as we’d like to convince ourselves we are all sexy, irresistible charmers - truth be told, we quite simply are not. Even with all the added help of the ever so fashionable ‘lesbian mystique’.
In recent times we have seen a rising interest in bi-curiosity, illustrated by the increasing media and psychological attention given to the subject. We’ve come a long way from the Kinsey Report and in the ‘Naughty Noughties’ we are finding more and more heterosexual women owning up to same-sex attraction. But let me tell you folks; curiosity does not by any means guarantee actual interest.
Take my first lesson in lesbian romance. Oh what a sweet tale that was. Being a rather naïve, inexperienced and still extremely excitable newbie I made the mistake of falling for a straight woman. Now I met this particular lady at a newbie meet up so it’s understandable as to why I got it wrong: I was bi and so was she, only with a little more try than I had anticipated. After a luscious night boogieing away, we consummated our romance with some serious lady loving. We were both first timers, timid and shy, however the copious amounts of alcohol we’d consumed really let those inhibitions loose.
Then it all got a bit silly, and complicated, but mostly silly. We went on a couple of dates but, despite the fact this lady had seen me naked, I was still pretty shy around her. We never did it again; in fact we never even kissed again. Standing outside the tube station staring lovingly into her eyes all I could muster was a timorous smile and a ‘get home safe!’ After standing anxiously, waiting for a moment or two, she resigned herself to the fact that I wasn’t going to make a move and, well, she certainly didn’t either. Later she told me she wasn’t sure if I’d wanted to kiss her. Well here’s a clue love, if I’ve had my tongue up your ***** I’m not really gonna mind a kiss now am I?
Anyway, I digress. Our dating period was prematurely cut short as I had to return to university outside of London. But alas she vowed to stay in touch. Cue five months of MSN Messenger and an abundant lack of sleep (although this was not entirely unrelated to my well developed habit of working at night - an essential skill I picked up along with my degree). In hindsight all the signs were there. I mean, much of these conversations could only be described as a bizarre sort of therapy where she tried to work out a) her sexuality and b) her angst over previous bastard boyfriend (there was much angst over previous bastard boyfriend believe me!)
During our little late night chats the name of her latest male annoyance would crop up now and again, as she informed me of his most recent bothersome behaviour. This male annoyance, by the way, was ‘just a friend’ who you know she didn’t really like because he was so annoying - and he was always bothering her and she suspected he may even have a crush on her, but you know she so wasn’t interested because he was completely unattractive and she didn’t fancy him at all… and anyway women were so much hotter and she really fancied women and she especially fancied me.
How I was the fool. Despite the lack of physical action, I still believed that there might be a future. I mean, she’d come up to see me on Valentines Day for Pete’s sake - cooked a meal and everything - that had to count for something, right? (still no sex of course, probably less to do with my shyness and more with her straightness this time round) But surely as a newbie she just needed some time? Especially as she’d been hurt so much before and, most importantly, I was far away making any kind of relationship a little difficult anyway.
Oh the irony. What I had assumed would be a one night stand had actually managed to echo for a further five months. Originally, I hadn’t expected anything after that night. I mean in all honesty it had been basic convenience; after all we had only just met that evening. There hadn’t been any long-term lusting, no batting my eyelids at her for months on end, willing her to notice me. It’d been quick and fluid, like a coin rolling before it tumbles into place. And yet here I was, months later, ‘Emotionally Invested’.
Well it all came to a head when she finally admitted that the latest male annoyance had in fact become her latest bastard boyfriend (minus the bastard) without even a hint of guilt. Well maybe just a smidgen, as it took her a few weeks to pluck up the courage to admit they were dating. The poor girl, she felt that we had become good friends; I on the other hand, simply felt Strung Along. So it was no surprise when our so-called ‘friendship’ broke down; at least not to me.
She’s still with the guy by the way.
Three ways to tell that she’s just not that into you
1. She’s your sexy pal and she’s always telling you about how much she hates men whilst dropping all kinds of crazy hints. You may have shared a platonic bed, you may have seen each other naked, you may even have given each other full body massages that left you chewing off your top lip in agonising frustration - it’s no wonder you’re confused! But follow the facts. You’ve never actually kissed now have you? And all the while she’s still fucking every bloke she meets. Save yourself a year of angst and move on now! This girl is a c**t tease.
2. Ok so you actually are having sex, great sex in fact, but only on the side because she has an amazing boyfriend whom she loves very much and will never leave and anyway she’s always telling you that she is “so not gay”. Now she could actually be bisexual, but if she is refusing to define herself as anything other than straight then maybe it’s because that’s what she is! Either that or she is simply far too comfortable with her heterosexual lifestyle to ever come out of the closet. Leave her there.
3. She is your best friend and you have loved her all your life. She knows you’re gay and she’s cool with it. Hell, to her you’re cool because of it. But then you were always going to be cool to her anyway because you are her most favourite person in the world and she is yours, no matter what. Well, no matter what you feel, don’t mistake platonic love for possible romance. This woman is not your soulmate and no amount of subtle hints that you drop can make her change her sexuality. Just imagine if you had a heterosexual male friend who kept trying to seduce you… talk about insulting!
Ladies, please give yourself a fighting chance and find someone that actually bats for your team!
Next time: When she’s already attached.