BY LUCY PETERS

What would you think if your girlfriend asked if she could date someone else? No, she’s not breaking up with you; she means as well as you.

Is she selfish? Sex-obsessed? Or asking a question that’s more common than you think?

Even as we celebrate the arrival of gay marriage, it’s clear that for many people, the idea of a life-long soulmate is more aspirational than realistic. The love life of the average Londoner might involve dating several prospective partners simultaneously, cheating on your other half, getting divorced and remarried, having your heart broken and fixed by somebody new.

Love’s a complicated affair, but somehow, most people take it as a given that everyone’s on a quest to find ‘the one’.

When the one becomes the ones

That’s the version of romance you hear about in pop music and romantic comedies, literature and magazine problem pages: that if you choose right, you can find one person to offer you companionship and sex, financial stability and children, along with red roses on Valentines’ Day.

FUCKING ROSES, Jean de Pol Loof

The breakdown of monogamy

This idea has persisted through the rise of feminism, which allowed many women to escape the need for male financial and legal protection, and the gay rights movement, which turned mainstream notions of sex and love upside down.

It’s continued despite the fact that widely available contraception makes sex with multiple partners relatively safe and internet dating sites allow people to connect with whoever they want online. But over the last couple of decades, more and more people have been opting for something slightly different…

The rise of polyamory, in two graphs

The word ‘polyamory’ appeared for the first time in 1992, in a Usenet newsgroup post by Jennifer L. Wesp, who was credited when, in 2006, it was added to the Oxford English Dictionary. The definition was based on a 1990 essay by a pagan writer called Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart about her relationships: she was sleeping with more than one person, with the consent of everyone involved.

That’s when everyone started writing books about it too. Jennifer L Wesp uses the word ‘polyamory’ in 1992 and the English-speaking world copied her:

Books published containing the word ‘polyamory’, since 1990.

The OED adds ‘polyamory’ to the dictionary and everyone in London googles it (image from Google Trends).

Polyamory originated at the same time as queer theory, the strand of academia that brought feminism and gay rights issues together in books like Gender Trouble by Judith Butler. Like queer theory, polyamory had radical notions about how people might arrange their sex lives, and like queer theory, it was spearheaded by women.

The beginners’ handbook

Its first and most famous handbook, The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, was published in the US in 1997, and though (unlike in more recent books and online guides to polyamory) the focus was more on sex than relationships, the book clarified the distinction between polyamory and cheating, was inclusive of some queer identities, and approached topics, like jealousy and scheduling, that are still key discussion points when it comes to poly.

the book dealt with topics like jealousy and scheduling, that are still key discussion points when it comes to poly.

Now in its second edition, The Ethical Slut has been made into a YouTube series and a play. Arguably, it rode the wave of gay and feminist political movements, as they worked to change social attitudes to gender and sexuality, but its philosophy might not have influenced so many people if it hadn’t also been published pretty much at the dawn of the digital age (Google was founded the year after, in 1998).

In under 20 years, user-defined internet search, digital anonymity and big data have led to a digital dating landscape in which people can connect for reasons that don’t have to be socially approved.

How the internet let polyamory happen

Recent digital tools acknowledge the huge numbers of people using the internet to achieve non-monogamy. OkCupid allow you to search a database of potential lovers for interests from cupcake baking to BDSM, pre-selected according to a host of variables such as age and height.

When inputting gender and sexuality, the site doesn’t offer options beyond male or female, gay, straight or bisexual, but you can select ‘mostly’ or ‘strictly’ monogamous or non-monogamous.

If I set my filters to find queer, non-monogamous women living in or near London, I end up with a long list: if I went on dates with them all at a rate of one per week, I’d be busy for the next three years.

The bright lights and badges of poly club scene

That’s not the only way for polyamorous Londoners to find love, as club nights offering poly-friendly dancing and flirtation occasionally pop up in the capital. The best and glittery-est of these, DOMO (Dancing On My Own), was started by DJ and journalist Bethany in January 2013, and soon attracted queues around the block for its 90s pop playlists and take-it-or-leave-it attitude to upper-body clothing.

Its Facebook page warned attendees that the venue usually hit capacity by 9.30pm. Disappointed queuers missed out on a packed and exuberant dance floor and hand-outs of useful stickers which labelled wearers as ‘DTF’ or ‘poly babe’.

The night is now closed, replaced by others, like Unicorn Disco, with more of a lip-service affiliation with poly and its practitioners. It’s suffered no more than the usual fate of queer London club nights, but it leaves a gap in the market that, judging from the online poly scene, could be quickly filled.

Bethany is still bringing beats and attitude to venues around London, but the night is now closed so she can focus on other projects, including an acclaimed blog about body positivity.

Bethany, Dj-ing

The people who turned out in force for DOMO have only recently been visible in the British media. America seems to have been faster to catch on, with poly popping up everywhere from Dan Savage’s nationally syndicated advice column Savage Love to Showtime network’s reality TV series Married and Dating.

Alan MacDonald of polyinthemedia.blogspot.co.uk has been keeping track since 2005, and his website also lists the appearance of articles about poly in the UK media at the rate of two or three a year since 2011.

The ‘next frontier’

The exception is 2013, when a BBC radio documentary about poly inspired numerous articles across the broadsheet press. According to the BBC, polyamory, with its focus on honesty and flexible approach to intimacy, is ‘the next frontier’ of our romantic lives.

50% of gay men are in ‘non-traditional arrangements’

In The Guardian, Laurie Penny agreed, noting the popularity of non-monogamy.
‘Recent research suggests that alongside the stubborn population of adulterers, 15 to 28% of heterosexual couples and about 50% of bisexuals and gay men have some sort of “non-traditional” arrangement.’

So, it’s not just Grindr that suggests some groups are statistically open to open relationships. Apparently, the research didn’t stretch to gay and bisexual women, or people who don’t fit any traditional gender categories, but I managed to rustle up a few to talk about their experiences for this article instead.

Poly life: Hannah, Tasha and Jane

One thing some of my interviewees had in common was a mistrust of the word polyamory to describe the way they organised their non-monogamous relationships. Hannah is 29 and is currently single, but has been in relationships with multiple partners simultaneously over the last couple of years.

She usually describes herself as non-monogamous rather than polyamorous ‘because I think sometimes people think poly means you’re in several sexual relationships at once, which I have been in the past but it doesn’t always work out like that.’

“The only commitment I make is to be honest”

Tasha, 25, who is genderqueer, prefers the term ‘relationship anarchy’ to describe their situation because of similar assumptions.

They are in a relationship with a woman who has a long-term partner, and open to seeing other people. ‘I think polyamory places quite a lot of emphasis on sex and (romantic) love, but for me non-monogamy is important as part of a wider practice of thinking critically about all relationships – both sexual and non-sexual.’

A third interviewee, Jane, 25, sees non-monogamy in strongly ethical terms. She is single but has long-running affairs which some of her friends assume should be labelled as open relationships (though she doesn’t see them that way). ‘I think the only commitment I make is to be honest. I try very hard to treat people well – if I can’t then I don’t see them.’ However, she wants above all to remain autonomous. ‘At this point I can think of nothing worse than committing to someone.’

‘At this point I can think of nothing worse than committing to someone.’

If your understanding of poly is based on depictions of patriarchal polygamy or heterosexist swinging (like the husband sharing in Sister Wives or those couples who hang out in lesbian clubs trying to pick up a third party for a threesome) it might not be obvious that this can be a politically radical way to organise relationships. But for queer poly people, there are clear links between seeing your gender and sexuality as political and organising your relationships along polyamorous lines.

Mixed attitudes on the gay scene

All three saw links between being queer and being in non-monogamous relationships. Hannah says: ‘I think being queer and having had lesbian relationships from a youngish age maybe made me more receptive to other non-conformist ways of organising relationships, like poly – though it was a long journey that still continues.’

‘There’s a feeling among queer people that monogamy is uncool’

For Tasha, its difficult to separate non-monogamy from being queer. ‘I think [it’s] a bit of a double-edged sword: on the one hand, [being queer] means that choosing to do relationship anarchy is very much accepted, but I also feel that there is an expectation for all queers to be non-monogamous, which I don’t think is helpful at all.

‘I definitely feel like there is a sentiment amongst queers that monogamy is uncool and not a liberated way of doing things, and I do sometimes wonder if I decided to be monogamous whether anyone I know would ever want to date me!’

‘I wonder if I decided to be monogamous if anyone would want to date me!’

Hannah and Jane had found that the gay scene wasn’t entirely friendly towards non-monogamy. For Hannah, ‘coming out as poly and bisexual together is quite hard, as both identities have quite negative stereotypes’.

DON’T tell the parents

But outside queer circles, non-monogamy was harder to be open about than same-sex relationships. Hannah is out as queer to her family but ‘I don’t think they would understand or want to know about me being non-monogamous.’ She is open about it to most of her friends, but not to colleagues or acquaintances. Tasha’s friends and close family know about the way their relationships are organised. ‘I don’t think my parents understand what I do but they are mostly accepting of it anyway.’

I’m open to most of my friends, but not my colleagues

DOMO was mentioned as a place to meet poly people, as well as Twitter and OkCupid, where, as Jane says, ‘the ideas and terminologies do sort of seem to be floating around.’ Hannah and Tasha have read around the topic of non-monogamy, and Tasha recommends the book Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, Meg Barker’s blog, Rewriting the Rules and the The Thinking Asexual ‘s blog as helpful resources for thinking about sex and relationships. However, both of them mentioned that they hadn’t found The Ethical Slut particularly helpful. Tasha said: ‘I know that The Ethical Slut is held up as some sort of poly bible, but I hate that book – when I read it I thought I could never do polyamory or non-monogamy because I wasn’t interested in going to sex parties and I do sometimes feel insecure or jealous in relationships.’

‘The Ethical Slut is supposed to be some sort of poly bible, but when I read it I thought I could never do polyamory because I wasn’t interested in sex parties’

London’s sex parties range from events like Torture Garden, which attract a large number of guests and a higher percentage of ‘tourists’ (people who don’t think they ‘belong’ at the party but are there for the thrills) to more intimate gatherings with more experienced participants. These are venues for swinging, because you aren’t necessarily in a relationship with your ‘play space’ partner, but some of them emphasise a duty of care between participants that reflects the best practices of polyamory. For example, Kinky Salon, which got started in San Francisco in 2003, posts an etiquette guide online that emphasises communication and responsibility.

The hosts organise their parties on a ‘PAL system’; guests have to turn up with a friend and are made responsible for each other’s behaviour, so that if your friend misbehaves, for example by leering at other guests or touching people without their consent, you are both in trouble.

Obviously some people turn up in both swinging and poly contexts, but while swinging is sex-focused, poly people are more interested in multiple relationships.

For both Hannah and Tasha, avoiding monogamous romantic models also involved taking non-sexual relationships more seriously. Hannah mentions that ‘I have several friends with whom I share a close emotional bond which I try to put as much work into as a sexual relationship.’ When talking about intimacy and romance, Tasha says: ‘I can and do get all of those things from friends, in a way that perhaps people who are very invested in monogamy don’t, because they only allow themselves to be close to one particular person (their partner).’

‘I have friends with whom I share a close emotional bond which I try to put as much work into as a sexual relationship.’

Both saw polyamory as a way to become, in Tasha’s words, more ‘open, honest and self-reflexive about our relationships.’ Hannah believes that being part of a polyamorous community encourages people to communicate more openly with their partners and see feelings of possessiveness as destructive, rather than as a natural part of relationships.

But unlike ‘poly evangelists’ she doesn’t see polyamory as superior to monogamy: ‘Being poly isn’t really an important part of my identity, it’s just an organising principle of my relationships that is between me and my partners.’

Polyamory “makes sense in big cities”

Hannah thought it made sense that poly might be becoming more popular. ‘I do think it’s something you’re more likely to consider if you live in a big city, because when I lived in smaller towns I just didn’t meet as many people I wanted relationships with. ’

Some of Jane’s answers suggested another reason why some Londoners in their 20s might not want to focus on exclusive or all-consuming relationships. ‘I don’t allow myself all that much time for socialising – my work, which is creative, comes first, and I also like my own company[…] I can feel quite tense about letting someone into my space and don’t like to compromise my productive routine with lazy mornings-after…’

‘my work comes first, and I also like my own company’

Polyamory – what happens next?

Leaving aside the question of whether polyamory really is the next frontier of relationships, I asked Hannah and Tasha what they saw happening to their own relationships in the future. Tasha didn’t think they would move in with a partner or partners ‘but I would like to carry on living with people who are important to me.’ For Hannah, it was all up for grabs: ‘maybe I’ll meet someone with whom I want a monogamous relationship and somehow that will work for me in a way it hasn’t before, or maybe I’ll become less interested in sexual relationships and fill my life with other things, maybe I’ll end up living in a big poly commune in California.’

‘maybe I’ll meet someone I want a monogamous relationship with, maybe I’ll end up in a big poly commune in California’

After a scroll through Rewriting the Rules, a night out among DOMO’s happy clientele or a quick scout of OkCupid’s non-monogamous profiles, it seems as if the last option might be the most fun.

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