Tuesday Top Ten … Dopest MCs

by Fairy Cake

I know, it’s impossible, I know, it’s absurd,
Trying to condense the majesty and woven words
Of the world’s finest spitters into one single list
But TMC’s dedication to entertainment persists

So without further ado, we present cake-lovers
A digital digest of rap to slay all others
Ten artists who’ve thrones reserved in Hip-Hop Heaven
(Please ignore the fact I cheated on number 7)

Feel free to hit us up if you’re not down with the choice
And forgive my return to a less-rhythmical voice
‘Cause the de-cis-ion pro-cess kept me up past one
And I’ve wasted three hours on Thesaurus.com.

1) doseone

“When you open your mouth
She removes her gloves
And the sea pours mighty
From her hollowed sleeves
Until everything that’s solved in
Life now begins to float around your socked and soaking ankles”
- She (The New White)

doseone pretty much ticks every possible rap-related box, bar the one that says “bitches and guns”.  He’s furious, poetic and he freestyles like a thesaurus with legs.  In the space of a song, his lyrics flit between discussing the finer points of gender identity, the ethics of reality TV, and taking the piss out of Ice Cube.  Somehow, it still makes my hairs stand on end.  WIN.

File under :  ‘I Don’t Know What It Is, But I Like It’
Dopest moment : Taking masculinity to the cleaners in Midas Gutz
See also : Busdriver, Yoni Wolf

2) Dessa

“I said virginity is a childhood disease
And these days it seems have interest for the addict thief
Patience for the underdramatic, but brief
There’s only four ways to aquire
Anyone who says different is a salesman or a liar
And you can find it, earn it, burn it, make it or steal it
I haven’t found a single way to keep it”
- 551 (False Hopes EP)

What I ADORE about Dessa is she still retains her femininity in the face of the industries ‘butch up or bits out’ attitude.  She just stands unapologetic in her hoodie and jeans and kills it.  She writes words worthy of Wordsworth.  She works with monster producers like Paper Tiger.  Oh, and she sings.  Beautifully.  Swoon.

File under : ‘Will Marry One Day’
Dopest moment :  Spitting about Anna Karenina on Mineshaft
See also : Slug of Atmosphere

3) Lauryn Hill

“Now, now how come your talk turn cold?
Gained the whole world for the price of your soul
Tryin’ to grab hold of what you can’t control
Now you’re all floss, what a sight to behold
Wisdom is better than silver and gold”
- Lost Ones (The Miseducation Of…)

Anyone who says girls can’t rap need to listen to ‘The Miseducation Of…’ and then take a big bite of shuthefuckup.  Lauryn is the shit.  She spat feminist verse and made the boys nod their heads.  Soul, reggae, blood, sweat, romance, protest, and mad skillz.  A true legend.

File under : ‘Sisterhood’
Dopest moment : Dressing down her opponents on Lost Ones
See also : StaHHr, Yarah Bravo

4) Eminem

“My brain’s dead weight, I’m tryin’ to get my head straight
But I can’t figure out which Spice Girl I want to impregnate”
- My Name Is (The Slim Shady LP)

Yeah…so maybe not right now.  And his on-off homophobia/misogyny has always made me feel a bit icky.  But Eminem put out 4 albums of pure dynamite before he started spitting dubious sentiments about domestic violence with small Caribbean women.  He’s arguably one of the brightest, most technically diverse rappers ever, switching from bizarre do-si-dos, to painful self examination, to playing the Devil to Dre’s Angel in the epic ‘Guilty Conscience’.  He’s also, like it or not, hella intelligent.  Without him, rap would kinda suck.

File under : ‘God is pissed’
Dopest moment : Exposing the racism of the music industry in White America
See also : Cage

5)  Mos Def

“Yeah, beef is not what Ja said to 50
Beef is Weldon Irv not bein’ here with me
When a soldier ends his life with his own gun
Beef is tryin’ to figure out what to tell his son
Beef is oil prices and geopolitics
Beef is Iraq, the West Bank, and Gaza Strip
Some beef is big and some beef is small
But what y’all call beef is not beef at all”
- Beef (Rare Rawkus Release)

Mos Def is the don, and, unlike a few artists on this list (will the real Slim Shady please stand up?), hasn’t lost it. In fact, he’s grasping it with both hands and throwing in your face. Mos is a clever, clever gentleman, rapping politics and serious social commentary over multifaceted, changeable, dirty rock and blissed-out vibe-laden soul. Listenable, informative, and you can still shake your ass to it.

File Under : ‘I Think I Just Learnt Something’
Dopest moment : Statistical ballistics on Mathmatics
See also : Jay Electronica, Jean Grae

6)  Missy Elliott

“Half of y’all MCs be stinkin’ like boobetti
So your record label cut you off like confetti
They you wanna call Missy and beg me,
Oooh, beg me beg me
Dang, I’m very scary
Burn a whole club down like I was Carrie
Give a boy French kiss, he wanna marry.”
- Beat Biters (Da Real World)

Missy melted the mainstream with her unique brand of gangster rap.  With Timberland jizzing over everything (I do love him, but in recent years he’s become the hip-hop equivallent of a senile grandad at a family gathering who shouts his own name at inappropriate intervals), it’s sometimes easy to forget how talented she really is.  Delivery like no other, flow that screeches, skips and barks through your headphones, and sheer, unbridled attitude.  Plus, she’s launched loads of ace female hip-hoppers, and she could write a dissertation on how to fill a dance floor.  Is it worth it?  YEAH IT FUCKING WELL IS.

File under : ‘Whoo-di-whooo!’
Dopest moment : Setting the bar stupid high on Gossip Folks
See also : Da Brat, Lil’ Kim, Nicki Minaj

7) The Pharcyde

“And the worlds at a stand-still
Deep in broken mansville, trapped in the moat with an avil, still
Killing yourself, and dogging ya health
You ain’t amphibious, so grab a hold of yourself”
- SlikKid3, Drop (Labcabincalifornia)

Yes yes – I know. I literally spent two weeks trying to decide between SlimKid3, Imani, Bootie Brown and Fat lip for this list, but I can’t do it. The Pharcyde were the ultimate crew, and for a considerable amount of their discography, spat over beats compiled by the late great J Dilla, arguably hip-hop’s finest producer. Honouring De La Soul’s Daisy Age mentality, they rapped and sung flawlessly about failed romance, blind optimism, and smoking bud. All hail the nicest boys of rap.

File Under : ‘Yo’ Mama’
Dopest moment : SlimKid’s love letter in Passin’ Me By
See also : De La Soul, Q-Tip, Jedi Mind Tricks

8)  Sage Francis

“Toe tags get caught in my teeth ’cause my foot is in my mouth
And the spurs are in my words, so my tongue can’t dismount
Even after our rapport had fully run its course
I couldn’t figure out the most heroic time to jump from the horse”
- Black Out On White Night (Human The Death Dance)

Oh. I find it hard to talk about this guy with no gush. Sage has not only the ability, but the sensitivity. He opens his heart, exposes him guts and invites his listeners to have a poke around. Tender, raw, and occasionally tear-jerking. Listen and learn, folks.

File under : ‘What does a jaw dropping sound like?’
Dopest moment : No beats on Water Line
See also : Buck 65, Aesop Rock

9)  Princess Superstar

“I’m on the dole with mad loot sellin’ bootlegs of poor artists
Got two legs to work but I beg for change to drink Bacardis
Hearty meals got these Hardy Boys hard then taught Nancy Drew and her dog
How to jerk off and how to steal from drug dealers
Ahh…enough of this
I killed Snuffleupagus
With pills and made a snuff film to prove to Big Bird he exists”
- Trouble (Princess Superstar)

Possibly one of the most underrated emcees ever, and fundamentally, utterly, gloriously mental. Princess has all the skills, plus a tendency to act up like a kid at nativity. She made a concept album about cloning, sampled Tchaikovsky in her last single, and is now selling private meditation sessions and nutritional advice to pay for her new album. Inspiring. Just don’t let her babysit your kids.

File under : ‘Mmmm, Nutty’
Dopest moment : Waxing narcissistic on ‘Famous’
See also : Deltron 3030 (Del The Funky Homosapien), Amanda Blank

10)  Snoop Dogg

“You ain’t ready for daddy, boy I do this for fun
It’s like you versus Kobe ballin’ one on one
You ain’t got no chance, you ain’t got no fans
I kick the shit out you punk, look momma no hands!”
- The Bidness (Rhythm & Gangsta)

Okay – so we need some West Coast representation in this list, and Snoopy is my guy.  He might be a liiiitle less technical than Tupac, but I can’t think of a hip-hop artist who takes himself less seriously, which is Lilt-on-a-hot-summer’s-day kind of refreshing.  He also has THE BEST SNARE IN ALL OF MUSIC.  True dat.  It’ll punch a hole in your convertible.  Back in the day (and while most mainstream Gs were spending their dollar on hookers and drugs), Snoopy gave underground artists a platform with his Welcome To Da Chuuch compilations.  And have you seen the video for Sexual Eruption?  Can you see Tupac pulling that shit?  Exactly.

File under : ‘Smoke Weed Every Day’
Dopest moment : ‘I’ve been calling that nigga since Starsky and Hutch’
See also : Jay-Z, Biggie Smalls