Tuesday Top Ten … Songs to stalk people to

by Fairy Cake

We’ve all been there.  It’s 5am and you’re crouched in a bush in your ex-girlfriend’s garden, binoculars fixed unwavering on her bedroom window.  After having spent the last three hours noting down patterns and shifts in the curtains (3.46am: slight crease in left-hand netting.  Maybe she’s sleeping with that slut from work), your energy is flagging.  “Damn”, you think.  “It’s at times like these I really could use a little background music”.

Although TMC acknowledge that most of our readers only register a 2 on the Stalk-o-meter (1 = going through her Facebook friends, 10 = going through her bins), even bunny boilers need a playlist.  Maybe.  So here’s yours: Top Ten Songs to Stalk People To.

Just remember to plug in your headphones, sicko.

1) Andrew WK – My Destiny

Most 1990′s nu metal artists spent their high school years piercing themselves with unsterilized safety pins and writing bad, anti-establishment songs about ‘The Man’.  According to a little tune I found floating around on the Guardian website, hard partier Andrew WK spent his high school years being totally fucking insane.

Frustratingly, said song was actually one of the best things Mr WK has ever put his name to.  Props, Andy.

2) The Police – Every Breath You Take

Hemp-sporting sex pervert records ballad about Orwellian surveillance culture.  Said ballad becomes one of the top 10 most frequently requested first dance songs at UK weddings.  Conclusion: marriage is creepy.

3) Roy Orbison – I Drove All Night

Dear Roy,
Despite the fact you “drove all night”, your actions still constitute breaking and entering.
And please stop asking me if it’s alright.
Kind regards,
Your terrified girlfriend.

4) Death Cab For Cutie – I Will Possess Your Heart

Luckily for Ben Gibbard, possession of a heart is not recognised as a criminal offence in most countries.  Unfortunately, possession of illegal firearms is.  Take note, psychos.

5) Tegan and Sara – Living Room

Even us T&S freaks at TMC dislike the idea of having Tegan Quin peer in at us through our bathroom window.  We already have to deal with the fact that God is watching.  It’s not a spectator sport, lady.  Get a hobby.

6) Eminem – Stan

To be fair, no wonder Stan went a bit mental.  Every time he went to use the loo, Dido was in there.  Kidnapping her must surely constitute some kind of public service.

7) Mew – 156

Despite the super-melodic chorus and high-pitched coo of Jonas Bjerre’s voice, this song is fundamentally about a guy threatening his beau and then surveying her from a boat for a considerable period of time.  Cheery.  Our singer warns his victim, “there are things I’ll do, that could really hurt you”.  On closer inspection of the band’s collective emo haircuts, we can only assume those ‘things’ probably amount to punching her weakly in the arm, or deliberately scratching her copy of The OC season one.

8) Blondie – One Way Or Another

Being stalked by Debbie Harry is a bit of a contradiction in terms.  After all, ‘stalking’ describes the non-consensual pursuit and harassment of an individual, eventualising in some kind of distress.  If Debbie Harry drove past my house to see whether I was around, I would be too busy pointing and screaming “OH MY FUCKING GOD DEBBIE HARRY JUST DROVE PAST MY HOUSE” to be distressed.

9) Cage – I Never Knew You

Probably the most genuinely disturbing track on this list.  Though judging by his track record (the horrorcore emcee wrote an entire album’s worth of material dealing with his shotgun-wielding, heroine-addicted father), Cage isn’t exactly uncomfortable about making people uncomfortable.  That’s great mate.  Just don’t expect anyone to make eye contact with you.  Ever.  Again.

10) Morrissey – The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get

I don’t know about you, but Morrissey already scared the shit out of me anyway.  Him writing a tune like this is like Cliff Richard writing a song entitled “I Dig Guys”.  We knew you were a sociopath Morrers.  Thanks for clearing it up.

11)  Why? – Simeon’s Dilema

Apologies to all the fist-banging “you-said-this-was-a-top-ten” pedants; I couldn’t help myself.  I love this song.  Possibly the most romantic song ever written about stalking.  Which is fundamentally messed up.  But…yeah.  Fill your ears…

As you all know, TMC have our tongues firmly stuck in our cheeks, but in all seriousness, actual stalking is no laughing matter (even if you are being stalked by Debbie Harry).  If you, or someone you know has been or is being stalked, you can always visit the Network for Surviving Stalking, who provide advice and aid for survivors, or call the National Stalking Helpline on 0300 636 0300.