Everything you never wanted to know about rape – a conversation

by Fairy Cake

**Trigger warning : This article is in aid of today’s International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.  Survivors of rape and sexual abuse may find this article triggering.**

Last week, a friend of mine posted a link to these survey results, which were compiled by support organisation The Havens, who offer advice, forensic examination and counselling for women who have been sexually assaulted and raped in London.  The findings show nearly half of men aged 18-25 think sex with a woman “too drunk to know what’s going on” is still not rape.  23% of respondents said that, even if a woman said “no” from the outset, it is still not rape.  And 46% of respondents believed that having sex with a woman who protested during sex would still not count as rape.

I initially was going to shoehorn this post into a rant on the plight of women and rape survivors in the UK today,  But, in hindsight, that’s really not going to help anyone.  What this survey has highlighted is that so many people out there don’t really know shit about rape, it’s meaning, it’s boundaries and it’s prevalence in society.  So, I’ve compiled a simple Q ans A about rape in this post, for readers (I’m sure most of whom are super-aware about this sort of thing) to read, copy, paste, repost, reblog, tweet, tumbl, and just generally spread around to everyone they know.  Chances are, at some point, someone is going to learn something.  And that’s what we need.

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Statistics herein taken from various published surveys, and knowledge gathered as a result of training at Rape Crisis Croydon.  I have tried to be as objective as possible, though this is a cause very close to my heart and I am a teensy bit angry right now.

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A Conversation Between Ms A and Ms B About Rape (Which Includes Lots of Facts and Stuff)

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Ms A : So, what is the legal definition of rape?

Ms B : Penile penetration of a person’s vagina, anus, or mouth, without reasonable belief in that person’s consent.

The definition was changed in 2004 under the ‘Sexual Offenses Act’.  Before the reform, the onus had been on the complainant to prove that they had not consented.  Now, with the inclusion of that little “reasonable belief in consent” business, the onus is on the perpetrator to prove that he believed in the survivor’s consent.  This is good, though it doesn’t mean survivors get off lightly when it comes to cross examination.

And yes, you’ve probably noticed that this definition technically means a woman cannot legally commit rape.  However, a woman can be convicted of rape as a secondary party – i.e., if she helped  a man rape another person.  Woman-on-woman attacks, where penetration is involved, fall under ‘sexual assault’.

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Ms A : Hmmm…’consent’.  So, if you don’t say no, it’s not rape?

Ms B : First of all, it is important to say that if someone is asleep, passed out, or drunk beyond being able to physically control themselves or communicate they can not consent. They just can’t.

Consent, like other messages humans have to communicate to each other, has many manifestations.  Yes, some women say ‘No’, ‘Get off me’ and the like.  Some women fight and kick.  But many women, after an initial resistance, FREEZE.  This is something that really needs to be talked about more; rape is terrifying and the most common reaction to terror is loosing all ability to move or speak.  It’s a method of protection.  Many survivors beat themselves up because they feel they should have been able to shout, scream and kick, but freezing is a completely understandable response to extreme trauma.

At the end of the day, consent isn’t complicated.  A decent man or woman won’t have sex with someone who is physically or verbally protesting, drunk beyond communication, passed out, flinching in pain, or frozen from fear.  A rapist will.

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Ms A : And how common is rape in the UK?  How reliable are the figures we see in the media?

Ms B : Hmmm.  It’s difficult to say, because lots of people don’t feel comfortable telling people they’ve been raped.

The Havens ‘Wake Up To Rape’ survey, which surveyed a random, anonymous sample of people aged 18-50 in the London area, showed that 23% of women (and 15% of men) had been forced to have sex when they didn’t want to.  The government estimates that as many as 95% of rapes are not reported, and considering that only 13,000 were reported in 2009, it’s fair to say that rape is a pretty huge issue.

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Ms A : What are the conviction rates of those that reach court?

Ms B : Well, lots of cases don’t actually go to court because the justice system requires so much evidence, and many survivors who report are simply told to give up.  However, of rapes that were reported between 2007 and 2008, only 6.5% resulted in a conviction.  The general conviction rate across all criminal cases is 34%.

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Ms A : Wow…that’s..

Ms B : I know.

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Ms A : So, who’s raping who then?

Ms B : Well, rapists aren’t all conspicuous weirdos – you are far more likely to be attacked by that ‘nice guy’ at the bar than a pervert hiding in a bush.  Women are most likely to be attacked by men they know in some way, most often partners (32%) or acquaintances (22%) (Amnesty International UK 2007).

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Ms A : With all this going on, why don’t more women come forward about their experiences?

Ms B : How long have you got?

Rape is an intensely painfully, invasive, terrifying ordeal for any person to experience.  Most survivors, understandably, don’t want to engage with this experience more than they have to.  Sadly, reporting can be somewhat ‘retraumatising’ for survivors, meaning they have to almost relive the event (which, chances are, they are probably reliving anyway, through flashback, nightmares and the other nasties that come as part of the package).

Also, rape conviction rates are pretty friggin’ low so lots of people don’t come forward simply because they don’t think they’ll get anywhere.

Considering that the majority of rape survivors know their attacker, there can be a huge conflict for the person who has been raped.  In cases of marital rape, the decision to report is the decision to legally accuse your long term partner of raping you.  Just put yourself in that woman’s shoes.

Because of widely-believed myths about rape, many survivors feel like, if they do tell someone, they won’t be believed.  In a recent Havens survey, other reasons cited for not reporting were that survivors would be ‘too embarrassed/ashamed’, ‘afraid of repercussions from the assailant’, and would not want their family to find out.  Women from strongly reigious communities, for example Muslim communities, often face further difficulties when trying to ‘come out’ about their ordeal.

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Ms A : But rape is really serious!  Don’t they realise how important it is that they come forward?!   Why do they think they won’t be believed?

Ms B : Of course they realise that.  But a lot of evidence shows they’ll have a hard time trying to tell people.

According to the Wake Up To Rape study, 1 in 5 Londoners agree with the statement “most claims of rape are probably not true”, even though statistically, men are no more often falsely accused of rape than they are of any other crime.

Us women are particularly harsh on our fellow females; 31% of us think a woman should accept some responsibility if she was dressed provocatively at the time of the incident, 35% think women who go back to the assailant’s place for a drink should accept some blame, and 71% say that getting into bed with a person means taking some flack if they’re raped.  Nice.

All of this stems from misconceptions about why rape happens, and these myths perpetuate the insulting idea that men are naturally violent creatures who can’t control themselves, and that rapists rape because they just can’t help it.  Rape is about power and violence, not sex.

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Ms A : Wow, okay.  So, what measures are in place to help women who have been raped to report?

Ms B : To report or not is every survivor’s choice – and despite the benefits, no one can ever really understand how traumatic and damaging the experience could be for them.  But, if they do decide to report, then there are a few options.

They can go straight to the police.  Some police stations have special units to deal with sexual offenses (like Sapphire in London), but many do not.  Also, a lot of police officers have not been given specific training to deal with rape survivors – though some, like SOIT (Sexual Offenses Investigation Trained) officers are equipped with skills to minimise the retraumatisation of survivors.

They can, instead, go to a middle-woman who will help them through the process.  For example, Rape Crisis centres sometimes offer advocacy for survivors, so they can be lead through the legal process with someone who understands better what they’ve been through, and can support them in the way a counselor would.  London’s only Rape Crisis Centre, down in Croydon, has a wonderful group of women who dedicate their lives to helping survivors report.

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Ms A : But, what if my friend has literally just been attacked – what’s the most important thing for her to do?

Ms B : If they have decided that they want to report the incident (again, straight after an attack, this may be incredibly hard for them), then it is very helpful to retain as much forensic evidence as possible (by not washing, preserving clothing, drinks glasses, getting a sample of urine…anything that may help police officers confirm what happened), and to also visit somewhere they can be examined and tested (or treated if they are physically hurt).  In London, we have The Havens, which is open 24 hours.  There, the nurses, all female, will do a medical exam and take any evidence they can.  This doesn’t have to be used immediately – if the survivor doesn’t want to report, the results can be kept back for them.  Some centres are referred to as Sexual Assault Referral Centres (SARCs), but they do the same thing.  At the moment, there are 30 of these centres across England and Wales.

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Ms A : And what about aftercare?

Ms B : Many survivors experience very frightening things after their ordeal; effects can be numerous and disparate.  Luckily, we do have some fantastic resources for those who can reach them.  Rape Crisis offer 100% anonymous support lines, and create a non-judgmental space for survivors to to be listened to, and to explore their options.  Their centres also offer advocacy and counseling for survivors of rape and sexual abuse.  Survivors UK provide a similar service for male survivors.  The Women and Girls Network offer a slightly more holistic approach to therapy.

Unfortunately, many of these centres have faced huge cuts under the current coalition government, so it’s really important that we keep campaigning to support them.

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Ms A : I feel a bit shitty and helpless now.  Is there anything I can do to help the cause?

Ms B : Yes!  First of all, spread the word.  Challenge myths.  Learn the statistics and then shout about them.  Join Amnesty and help the cause of women in other countries who are much more at risk.  And for Geoff’s sake, make sure you tell people who like to make rape ‘jokes’ to STFU…

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Ms A : Aww, but that might be a bit awkward.  Surely people who tell those jokes are just joshing around…

Ms B : Rape jokes help reinforce myths about rape and diminish the seriousness of the crime, ultimately leading to lower conviction rates.  After all, a jury aren’t going to decide in favor of a girl who was scantily clad when attacked if they’re conditioned to think that she’s just an idiot skank who was ‘asking for it’.  They are also retraumatising and distressing for survivors – and looking at those stats, you’ll see survivors aren’t particularly rare.  The F Word wrote a wicked piece on how to deal with rape jokes recently.

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Ms A : I see your point.  Anything else?

Ms B : If you’re female, volunteer for Rape Crisis (seriously, this will change your life).  If you’re male, volunteer for Survivors UK. If you don’t think you have enough time on your hands to do these things, keep up to date with women’s issues via sites like The F Word.  Reclaim the night. Support crisis centres on Facebook and makes sure you sign the petitions that help them get funding.  And, if you want to, copy this information to people that you know, or on your blog or whatever, and help spread the word.

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Please pass on this information.  Let’s eliminate violence for good.

Some useful resources :

Fawcett Society – Rape : The Facts

Havens – Wake Up To Rape 2010

Havens – Where is your line? 2010

Mythbustin’ from Teeside Women’s Support Network

Rape Crisis – Responding To Sexual Violence

Susan Brownmiller’s classic Against Our Will

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Things for survivors :

List of Rape Crisis Centres

Listt of Sexual Assault Referal Centres

Advice if you have just been attacked

Rape Crisis National Freephone : 0808 802 9999

Survivors UK (Male survivors) : 0845 122 1201