Tuesday Top Ten… Rules of Lesbian Etiquette
The recent spat between A. A. Gill and Clare Balding got me pondering the too-often-ignored social lubricant that is lesbian etiquette. Not the ‘take off your nail-varnish pre-fisting’ variety, but the sort of thing that gets straight people invited to gay parties; the stripes you gotta earn to be a male guest at the Candy Bar or a gay girl’s BFF. Whatever the benefits (hey, who doesn’t want to up their facebook friends?) it seems to me that not enough people make the effort to learn the rules. Happily, plenty of us get to bumble around kissing girls without being excluded, committed or punched in the face, but I can’t help seeing random acts of lesbian-targeting rudeness as the thin end of the wedge. In between writing letters to Amnesty and volunteering for Stonewall it would be nice if we could persuade people to be polite.
It seems to me, in my extensive experience as an out lesbian who um… interacts with people that most of the stuff that spoils my day is not perpetrated by flaming homophobes, but by people dopily repeating something stupid they heard on the radio. Plainly, we need to clarify what’s acceptable. Perhaps via the medium of a list…
1. Assume nothing.
It’s Monday morning and there’s a newbie in the office / cockpit / vestry. You may be tempted to get her chatting by suggesting she checks out the Diet Coke delivery man or commiserates with you about boys who never call. However, those with a grasp of lesbian etiquette avoid such topics and stick to the latest episode of Dr Who or the location of the hymn numbers. Okay, so having to put up with people’s heteronormative assumptions is not really such a big deal (and they do give lesbians an opportunity to come out) but it’s kind of tiring, rather like having people constantly mispronounce your name.
2. Don’t disillusion grandma.
Don’t assume your new lesbian buddy (YNLB) is out to everyone. She might have told you in excruciating detail about her crush on Doris the air hostess but don’t be tempted to share this with her mother: “Hi Mrs Patel! Isn’t it great that Anita finally turned Doris?!” unless specifically told it’s okay. It’s best to be superlatively cautious with this one. Even if Anita is holding hands with her new squeeze at a family gathering, consider the possibility that grandma just thinks Doris is a bit shy.
3. Gina Gershon? Well, she’s handy around the house.
Actually, we’re not really that interested in why you don’t find butch women attractive. We like them. So does Angelina. This also goes for transpeople. Well, we’re not actually sure if Angelina fancies transpeople, but they have to put up with a lot of unwarranted crap and you might want to think about that before casting any casual aspersions.
4. No, you can’t watch.
When YNLB announces ‘Actually, I’m gay,’ the correct response, guys, is not, ‘Even better,’ ‘I don’t mind,’ or ‘Can I watch?’ This stopped being funny in the 70s. Nor – guys, girls, gay men and indeed lesbians – is the correct response ‘But you’re so pretty!’ Nobody takes this as a compliment. Also, DRUNK men, now is not a good moment to enquire as to what lesbians actually do in bed.
5. No, you really can’t watch.
Actually, two girls kissing each other does not represent an invitation to stand around gawping or, and I cannot sufficiently emphasise this, taking pictures on your mobile phone. I know Katy Perry has confused this issue somewhat. But don’t worry, cos I just cleared it right up.
6. Lesbians!!!
The above is not funny. Or filthy. Well, we are occasionally filthy. But we object to you using the official appellative of our sexual identity as a signpost to the ridiculous and/or shocking. We don’t want to hear any more about lesbian vampire killers, lesbians to whom you wish to be covered in chocolate and thrown, or any type of lesbian ‘romp’. It just confuses people and leads to pruriently-placed stickers, to which we also object.
7. Gay is not a four-letter word.
If you’re over 18, you are too old to be using ‘gay’ as a dismissive epithet. If you are under 18, Stonewall will sort you out.
8. God has not yet smitten me.
So don’t tell me I need to be saved. How many lesbians do you know who’ve been struck by lightning?
9. The fat lady has not yet sung.
I recently had a truly depressing conversation with someone who thought it was ‘un-PC’ to mention the fact that in many countries of the world, people are still imprisoned or even executed for being gay. Globally, discrimination is still the norm, and most gay people know someone who’s suffered because of it. And if you laugh nervously while I’m explaining to you that my girlfriend’s parents kicked her out and tried to put her on medication for being a lesbian, you’re not just acting rude, but also ignorant.
10. Over to you.
Do you remember those ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books that let teenagers pick the story’s outcome by choosing between pairs of page numbers? Well, this isn’t really anything like that, but I’ve decided that in the democratic spirit of Web 2.0, the last point on my list is up to you (so I get nine and you get one, as I used to tell my little brother before he could count.)
Do you hate being chatted up by men in lesbian bars? Prefer to be addressed as ‘zhe’? Let us know and we’ll add our favourite to the list next week.
Brillyunt. Here’s my tuppence:
10. Don’t nitpick about past or future sexual choices. Yes, she may have had sex or relationships with men in the past, and enjoyed them, and she may do again in the future. That’s entirely her business, and doesn’t remotely invalidate the term she uses for her sexual preferences right now. If she thinks she’s a lesbian and is going to go through all the hassle of coming out to people on a daily basis as a lesbian then she is a fucking lesbian, and exactly the same goes for any girl who tells you she’s bisexual. They really don’t have to satisfy your idea about what a ‘really counts’, and THEY ARE THE EXPERTS because they’re the only ones that know what’s going on in their heads. Until you can climb inside their minds and rate the exact level and type of attraction to the variously gendered people they encounter you are just going to have to take their word for it.
oh and 11. Don’t ask her about whether/how she wants to have babies as if every 20 year old dyke has to have a fertility master plan worked out just to be allowed on the team. Or rather, you can ask, but only if you’d be willing to answer questions like ‘how do you know you’re not infertile?’ and ‘how would you feel if you married someone with kids but you didn’t like their stupid bratty children?’ or ‘would you be willing to let another guy impregnate your partner if you were shooting blanks?’ because that’s the level of intimacy you’re presuming.
8. God has not yet smitten me.
So don’t tell me I need to be saved. How many lesbians do you know who’ve been struck by lightening?
lol, too true. One time I was in a club and my friend was making out with another girl, two men stood with beers in hand, staring appreciatively. When the night ended the guys even had the nerve to walk up to them and try to shake their hands as if to say ‘good show’. Yuck.
agreed, heteronormality is downright rude. But didn’t clare balding mock a jocky for his crooked teeth? hypocrite much?
Rushette is SO right with 11.
Even my own very close mate, who came out with me to Ghetto every week when Iw as first coming out, and in general seemed to ‘get it’ with regard to me being gay, one day turned to me and quizzed me incessantly about whether I want children! I SO wanted to pull out the infertile card, but I refrained from doing so, as I don’t expect her to have all the answers for every eventuality just yet!!
12. If your YNLB had a fumble with her best friend, who is now pregnant and decidedly straight, don’t bang on and on about how YNLB loves her/ wants to shag her/ dreams about her – SHE IS PREGNANT FFS!!
haha nice article
basically an extension of 9) – don’t skirt around the whole gay thing like it’s a terminal illness or something…
Fab list. This is my number ten:
10. That ironic joke you’re making about lesbians? It’s not actually funny. In fact, any kind of thinly-veiled homophobia or racism disguised by a layer of nudge-nudge-wink-wink irony isn’t funny, it’s actually really annoying and makes me want to punch you in the mouth.
So no, straight people, when I told you I pulled, I don’t want to hear you say something like “yeah, it’s cool you met a girl last night, bet you’re totes in love with her now and want to move into hers and you’ve got the turkey baster ready… JOOOOKES, amirite?”
One thing: “lightning”, not “lightening”? I’M SORRY I’M JUST REALLY PEDANTIC ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS, I KNOW IT’S THE INTERNET. Ok, I’m going to look at pictures of cute cats falling over now.
Oops, yes, ‘lightning’. And it should also read ‘we object to *your* using’… My mistake. Then again, those cats really can’t spell.
@battenberg I have a strong though unfounded suspicion that Clare Balding, herself a jockey, was having a joke with a friend who had just won a large sum of money in a career-defining moment. Like much banter between friends, it was inappropriate to an uninformed audience. She had the grace to apologise to that uninformed audience. I’m also not sure that the criticism is really on the same level as AA Gill-gate; when was the last time someone was clearly beaten to death for having crooked teeth, or arrested, or stoned, or castrated?
Thank you Rushette, your no. 10 gets my vote!
I wish people would stop assuming that lesbians never ever find any man even remotely attractive. Sometimes even a comment as innocuous as ‘that guy over there is good-looking’ attracts suspicion, and accusations of coming out purely to seek attention. It’s totally ridiculous! ‘He’s attractive’ is not necessarily code for ‘I want to have sex with him’, people…
Whilst posing as a model for the “Hope for Sisters in Need of Resurrection) and writing letters to David Cameron it seems to moi that the lovely people campaigning have not been recognised for all their effort. I wanted to show some merit. The “try dying…sorry I meant, the dye trying” headline is read by millions.
Here is to clarify the message: 1- (to the sexy lady on the bike) . The fact that you are addicted to coffee and other self-indulgent products does not save farmers whilst you support them night and day in your way. 2- The magazines that you pose for on a very “aware of what I’ going through” David Bowie style does only reach the teenage section in your area. 3- A sign in your forehead saying we are open for business as usual is not very inviting even if it has sparkly , pink neon lights. 4- Anyone would rather be stoned to death than mystified into a repressed, sexless nun.
More merit for the campaign: 1- (to the editors and managers) .If you have been told that you are so clever and gifted that a simple word perceived and projected by you , can change the world…then make sure you let us know what that magic word is. 2- Stop creeping into what you seem to think is a similar thing to John Malcovich’ s head. 3- Sighing is not the same as laughing. 4- Sometimes life is now and not later.