Posted December 6, 2011 by in SCENE

A Surprisingly Fun Thing To Do: Take a Bunch of Unruly Gays to a Bad Hetero Club

by Petit Fours

This only happened by accident, but my god, it was fun. A couple of weeks ago, I ended up going with a bunch of unruly gays to a straight though messy club-pub in Hackney. Within seconds of ten of us roaring in, looking all flavours of queer and cross-dressed, someone had been slapped and a girl had thrown a pint of cider over my gay male friend.

I couldn’t really blame her, he can be a little trouble-maker, but it set the them-against-us tone and turned it into quite a fun though antisocial rampage.

Some girl in the toilet queue complained to me that there were too many girls who looked like boys. Someone else disappeared into a corner to cry, for quite separate reasons. Someone went missing and we split into search and rescue teams. Of course it turned out they were just in the toilet but it seemed more dramatic at the time.

All in all. it was a nice bonding experience, and if there’s a large enough pack of unruly, drunk gays with you then it feels a bit like laser quest where you have to run around enemy territory with your team.

The club looked like this

I guess there’s a fine line here. Go into a straight club that is too metro-trendy (see Alibi) and no one will fucking notice and their downbeat fashionable music will make you want to sleep and cry.

Go somewhere too err chavvy-hetero (see, err I guess, most straight clubs in the country) and you could wind up getting way more than shocked stares and some cider as you run around on a gay rampage.

Go somewhere nice and you’ll just be embarrassed by your own behaviour.

For that reason, I can recommend the Dolphin in London Fields, a kind of straight version of the Joiners, but only if you’ve had 6 tins of beer and are accompanied by about 10 shameless gays.

Photo is a genuine picture of The Dolphin, by this guy on Facebook