Posted May 22, 2011 by in SCENE

The Advantages of being Gay #1: When straight women talk about yoghurt

by Petit Fours

I guess you could call it rude, but one of the times I’m really glad I’m gay is when straight women start having conversations about the number of calories in yoghurt, and I can play the gay card fast and get the fuck out of that conversation, before they get onto bread.

Lets all just eat the yoghurt

Don’t get me wrong!

I love yoghurt – I can be quite boring about it too. I like to talk about its flavours. And I love straight women – a lot of them, a lot.

It’s just those conversations about diets and whether someone looks good that I kind of baulk out of occasionally. I roll my eyes around, gaze perplexed into the middle distance and if someone makes the mistake of addressing a comment my way I’ll hold my hands up, protest that I’m a lesbian and that I can’t possibly judge whether Kara is a size 8 or a 10, that I have no opinion about Rachel’s Organic Dairy products, that everybody looks fine and why don’t we all JUST EAT THE FUCKING YOGHURT.

I do the same with boys if they start talking about football. I just like to have it all ways.

I’ve had two reactions to this from my straight friend and sister (shout-out!) who both told me off for this – making two valid points:

Katherine told me that I can’t use my sexuality to get out of boring conversations – “you just have to suffer them like the rest of us!”

And my sister roundly told me not to hang around with boring people if I didn’t want to have boring conversations in the first place.

None of my best, funny, great straight friends talk about the calories in yoghurt. Or not in front of me anyway. Possibly because they’re afraid I’ll loon out and start throwing yoghurt everywhere. They’re right to fear that.

I suppose if I were to bring some journalistic value to this blog post, I’d say that it shows up something about how hetero culture leaves women more vulnerable to advertising messages about their bodies. Even my podgy male friends never talk to me about yoghurt. I guess all that needs to be said about this can be found in this great picture story – women smiling, alone with yoghurt – a gallery of stock advertising photos.

Related: How to fail at being a lesbianWhy lesbians are the new handbags: Sunday Times Style Magazine tips us as this summer’s hot accessory