by Florentine

Those of you who spent Thursday night knee-deep in bar queues wearing questionable fancy dress and too inebriated to see who you were swapping saliva with at the stroke of midnight, may have missed ITV’s latest toe-dip into the land of lesbianism.  For this New Year’s Eve saw Joanna Briscoe’s erotic thriller Sleep with Me adapted for the channel by formidable screenwriting talent Andrew Davies, in nothing less than their prime time slot.  Yups.  Described as an “erotic thriller” in which “Adrian Lester (Hustle) and Jodhi May (Tipping the Velvet) play Richard Carter and Lelia Phillips, whose lives are turned upside down by a seemingly harmless stranger, Sylvie Lavigne, played by Anamaria Marinca (Sex Traffic)”, Sleep with Me certainly sounded like a decent enough excuse to leave the drunken revellers to it and curl up with a celebratory hot chocolate instead.

So how did they all do?

With credits like Sense & Sensibility, Brideshead Revisited, Little Dorrit, Bridget Jones and Sarah Waters’ Tipping the Velvet/Affinity under his belt, Davies’ script was always going to be pretty faultless while, for the most part, the cast did a good job too (brownie points for Marinca’s subtly disturbing portrayal of unhinged obsession – minus points for Casualty’s Adam James, apparently only able to communicate via overzealous shouts).  In a nutshell, Richard and Lelia are a deliriously happy, newly-pregnant couple… so happy in fact, that a chance meeting with an obvious mental (who looks uncannily like Samantha Morton playing a jellified ‘Pre-Cog’ in Minority Report) sends them both on separate paths of infidelity.  While poor old Richard has to make do with hand-jobs on park benches from mysterious stranger Sylvie however, she and Lelia promptly fall wildly in love; even after the incredibly sweet and seemingly non-mental Lelia remembers that Sylvie is in fact the girl from her repressed nightmares who used to give her underage orgasms (while pretending to be a boy) during a French exchange trip one summer.  Oh yeh, and she kind of saw her murder her own baby brother too.  What?  That’s attractive, right?  Of course, as with all mentals (especially the lesbian ones), the obsessive tendencies soon reach boiling point (in this case, when Samantha – sorry, Sylvie – bungs her lovers’ mowbli out of the window) and innocent ‘victim’ Lelia decides she actually quite liked her cosy little heterosexual life after all… and would rather like to return to it thank you very much.  I’ll let you guess who the winners and losers are in this ‘happy’ ending, it shouldn’t be too difficult.

Despite rolling my eyes skywards innumerate times at another psychotic lez polluting the minds of mainstream viewers, Sleep with Me is a well made drama and Davies’ treatment of girl-on-girl relations themselves is largely unflinching and even sweet – the encounters between Sylvie and Richard playing far sleazier and ‘immoral’ in fact.  Even though I remain unconvinced that Sylvie’s allure was strong enough to make even a mentally unstable Gruffalo fall for her, let alone an entire cast of well-educated lovely folk, it’s definitely worth a look if you’ve an hour or so knocking around at some point in January – Sleep with Me is available on ITV Player for the next 28 days.

Whether we’ve liked them or lumped them, there’s no denying that portrayals of lesbians on the small and big screens have been increasing in number of late – so what gems do we have to look forward to in 2010?  Never mind the Tiger; could this be the year of the lez?  Keep reading for some interesting picks of lady-action coming up over the next twelve, glorious months…

BLACK SWAN

This dark thriller from the hugely talented director of awards hit The Wrestler and Requiem for a Dream hones in on the troubled relationship between a veteran ballet dancer (Natalie Portman) and her biggest rival (Forgetting Sarah Marshall’s Mila Junis).  There was much press coverage surrounding this film back in 2009, after Portman gave an interview with V Magazine revealing that an ‘extreme’ lesbian sex scene would feature, alongside some undeniably butched up photography from Mario Testino (see below).  Whilst my respect for Natalie Portman’s acting talent, intelligence and continued tip-top project choices know no bounds, the only thing I could muster up on seeing these shots was a big fat dirty phwoooar.  Darren Aronofsky’s next project is highly anticipated in camp cake.

90210

This glossy reawakening of an early nineties teen classic has somehow managed to draw in another loyal fan base, possibly including a lot of the folk who watched Jason Priestley’s floppy locks the first time around.  While I don’t condone the fact that this largely brain-cell-devoid offering is constantly blaring out of at least three out of the five televisions installed in my flat, I can see the appeal if only from a perving perspective… apparently ugly or moderately good-looking people don’t exist in Beverly Hills.  Anyway, this year expect to see resident lesbian Gia (played by Rumer Willis… yes, daughter of Bruce) get it on with previously drug-addicted new mother and general screw-up Adrianna (Jessica Lowndes).

Show bosses promise that this isn’t merely a gratuitous stunt to gain publicity… “We’re coming at this [relationship] from a genuine place and not going, ‘Let’s do a titillating story that will grab some promotion.’ This is a real aspect of teenage life that’s interesting… And there’s been a real void in the 90210 universe in terms of gay and bisexual characters.” (Source: Ausiello of EW).  Either way, there’ll be two fit girls kissing.  I’m in.

CORONATION STREET

Come again?  Yes, Corrie is finally jumping feet first into modern Britain, introducing their first lesbian character to the street in the born-again Christian form of Sophie Webster – gobby Rosie’s previously mute younger sister.  Bosses of the show have admitted it’s somewhat overdue… “It does seem ridiculous it (lesbianism) has never been explored on Corrie but that’s all about to change.” (News of the World, 2008)  While I’m far too old to be tuning in for any form of titillation, it’s a great boost for today’s teens who may be struggling with their sexuality.  Bets are currently on Sophie’s bible class BFF Sian Powers to be the object of her sapphy affection (nice touch), though this remains unconfirmed for now.

CRACKS

While we at TMC have much-covered this sumptuous lezzy feast from first-time director Jordan Scott, its theatrical release was pretty sparse so many of you may have missed it.  Check out our review here and catch it on DVD from 29th March 2010… it’s definitely worth the wait.

SKINS

We can now confirm (thanks to E4) that series 4 of groundbreaking teen drama Skins is back on our screens at the end of January… and you can promptly let go of that breath you (may or may not) have been holding, as the spritely cast of series 3 are reprising their roles for our viewing pleasure once more.  Crucially, this of course means more from the cutest couple of 2009, Naomily.  Bless.

Skins writer Georgia Lester discussed the popularity of last series’ lesbian storyline in an interview with Tube Talk… “From the reaction of the fans, we all know that the Emily/Naomi story worked wonders. We were surprised. It wasn’t anything to do with them being lesbians – it was just a heartwarming love story about two people who didn’t really know how to explore those feelings at that age. That was one of our strongest stories. There’s lot of Naomi/Emily drama to come!”  That’s great and all Georg, but I reckon it was a lot to do with them being lesbians actually.  A gloriously realistic portrayal that resonated with all of us who’d been through lusty adolescent confusion, that was evidently long overdue.  We look forward to having them back on our boxes.  Also, look out for Will Young’s comic turn as a school counsellor… I don’t know who I love more.

HANNAH FREE

An indie feature shot on a shoestring budget in just three weeks, Hannah Free stars Queer as Folk star (the awful US version that is – judged purely on the vile opening sequence) Sharon Gless in a love story that transcends time.

“Hannah and Rachel grew up as little girls in the same small Midwest town, where traditional gender expectations eventually challenge their deep love for one another. Hannah becomes an adventurous, unapologetic lesbian and Rachel a strong but quiet homemaker. Weaving back and forth between past and present, the film reveals how the women maintained their love affair despite a marriage, a world war, infidelities, and family denial”

Quality is seriously questionable if the trailer is anything to go by… but this film has been making a sizable mark during it’s festival run, which we can’t ignore.  Don’t expect a theatrical release, umm ever, but check back for a DVD release at some point in 2010 – if oldies making out doesn’t make you want to vom that is.  Latest updates can be found at the official website.

HEROES

Word on Heroes street is that the upcoming season 4 sees supremely hot cheerleader Hayden Panettiere “share sleeping quarters (and maybe more)” with her college roomie Gretchen (Madeline Zima).  While debate rages across the internet about what those crucial three words in brackets actually mean, the promo for this season does show a cheeky glimpse of lip-locking between the two.  I checked.  Five times.  Ardent fans have deemed this development a ‘cheap and desperate’ ploy to gain viewers at the expense of the show’s integrity.  If some factions of the press are to be believed however, this storyline was pitched by Hayden herself – I never really rated integrity anyway…

Season 4 Heroes airs from Saturday 9th January 2010 on BBC2.

LIP SERVICE

We’ve banged on about this rather a lot over the past few months, but a UK version of The L Word is surely worth it? Read up on our news and cast update here to get yourselves up to speed, then sit back and will away time until Spring 2010 arrives on BBC3… about enough time to try out an undercut I reckon.

PRECIOUS

January and February are my favourite months of the year for one simple reason – awards season.  And anyone who knows me is fully aware that if lost I can usually be located in the nearest cinema, lapping up all the Oscar-worthy fodder available for human consumption.  One film that has already piqued my interest is Precious, helmed by gay director Lee Daniels and based on the award-winning novel ‘Push’ by bisexual author Sapphire.  Precious tells the (bleak) story of an obese, illiterate teen pregnant with her second child and abused by her closest family members.  The cast includes comedian Mo’Nique (in a much-raved-about performance as Precious’ abusive mother), newcomer Gabourey Sidibe and the beautiful Paula Patton as her sympathetic and (gasp, fully 3-dimensional/normal) lesbian teacher; the one person finally able to help Precious to help herself.  The film has already notched up an impressive 5 Golden Globe nominations and looks set to receive much attention over the coming months.  Catch it in cinemas from the 29th January.

TRUE BLOOD

Unless you’ve been hanging upside down in a cave for the past year or so, you’ll be hard-pressed to have missed the vampire craze that’s lustily infected the globe.  And with the release of Twilight sequel New Moon in cinemas last November, it’s safe to assume that the undead craze shows no signs of abating.  But while the world and his hetero wife dribbled mercilessly over Edward Cullen, we couldn’t help wishing for a lezzy version to sink our teeth into.  Bi-light?  Now that’s a saga we could really get on board with.

Arriving like a knight in shining fangs back in 2009 however, was openly gay screen genius Alan Ball who, after bringing the likes of American Beauty and Six Feet Under to our screens, hit us square between the eyes with racy, HBO drama True Blood (basically, Twilight on steroids).  And now he’s going one better with the moist-making announcement that Hollywood A-lister Evan Rachel Wood is set to join upcoming Series 2, as Louisiana’s very own Sapphic vampire queen.  “She’s kind of a cross between Patrick Bateman and Paris Hilton” Wood says of her character Sophie-Anne, “She’s crazy… and she’s a lesbian.”  That’s good enough for us.  Series 1 has just ended on Channel 4, so expect series 2 at some point in 2010.

by Sticky Toffee Pudding

As someone who has had her fair share of unsuccessful, unwise, damn right doomed romances I’ve become well accustomed to figuring out when a girl is not really all that keen. And being a generous sort, I thought over the next few months I would share my wisdom in what I can only hope to be insightful, life-affirming articles. Oh yes, bring on the Pulitzer.

Volume One:  It’s that old garden tool variety

Some ladies you meet will undoubtedly fall head over heels, handing over their keys and introducing you to the cats. Others, it seems, are hos. Pure and simple. Now within the context of this article it is pretty obvious that I am not talking about planting the rhododendrons, however make no mistake neither am I referring to women in a derogatory way. I find the fun thing about the English language is that we all have the power to manipulate it, so when I use the word ‘ho’ I do mean it as a reference to sexual liberty in the most open-minded and unbiased sense. And for me ho is not a term that applies strictly to women. As far as I’m concerned it has no gender bias. I know plenty of hos, male, female, trans. Hell even I’ve got a little bit of ho-ness in myself. Particularly when it comes to certain situations, i.e. two girls, one tongue.

Of course we all know the mother of fictional hos within the lesbian world: Shane of L Word fame, rivalled only by the luscious Papi. But anyone clocking up a thousand plus notches on their bedpost definitely deserves some serious status. And that is usually the case. Those Lifers that just never seem to settle down are often notorious for their smooth talking antics throughout The Scene. Mostly because with The Scene being no more than an extended playground of the usual bars and clubs, everyone knows everyone, but also because women talk, and some even brag.

My friend encountered such a ho recently, who was quite happy to inform her of her status right at the start of the conversation. It was a different city, a different scene, but the same old rules, and anyone who describes themselves as the Asian Shane has some serious ambition. Not that this admission was needed: you could tell from the way she stood there in her casual skinnies and loose cuffed shirt, collar up, suspenders on, floppy fringe and smoky eyes casually scanning the dance floor that she was on the prowl and she wasn’t looking for a wife.

So Asian Shane (who funnily enough was from LA and regretfully declined my request for a photograph) and my friend swapped contact details, had a few flirty messages and decided to meet up for an official date. This went rather well according to my pal. There was partial nudity. However it seems my friend only wanted to whet Asian Shane’s appetite by giving her a sneak peek. And as ‘their love was not consummated’ shall we say, a second date was arranged. Yet my friend did not view the situation in such sceptical terms. She was sure her and Asian Shane had struck up a ‘connection’.  Now don’t get me wrong, my friend was not head over heels in love, but she was certainly in lust.

And as such she could not understand why after their second date (which of course involved The Great Sex) that this lady did not want to hook up again. A fact Asian Shane made pretty clear when she sent my friend a message the next day telling her as such. Her excuse? Because of the soul searching travels she was about to commence upon, combined with the ever-so-hot-sex, she simply couldn’t risk seeing my friend again due to the possibility of further emotional attachment. Kudos for originality there! And at least she counter-struck before the barrage of messages from my friend was churned out.

Now as I mentioned earlier it was lust (and not love) that had gotten my friend all hot under the collar. (Come on, you can’t call yourself Asian Shane without having the skills to match now can you?) So all my friend really wanted (thus revealing her streak of ho-ness) was a little more booty before Asian Shane’s departure. I mean was that really so much to ask? Well yes it was, for Asian Shane clearly likes to order something different each time she eats out. (No pun intended.) Really though, I wouldn’t be surprised if her soul-searching hiatus consisted of her fucking her way across the United States, from New York right back to LA.

My poor friend, bless her: it took a spoonful of tough talk to get her back on track. I mean what was the likelihood that Asian Shane had spent even a quarter of the cognitive capabilities that my friend had, entertaining more casual encounters with her? After all if Asian Shane had wanted more booty surely she would have requested some?

However, my friend thought she’d make one last attempt and that night as we headed out she decided to invite Asian Shane along just on the off chance that something might happen. Well of course she didn’t reply: no surprises there then. Well at least not until we saw her prowling around the dance floor. More loose cuffs, floppy fringe and extra smouldering, wandering eyes. Behold, could I have been wrong? And then their eyes met… ever so briefly as Asian Shane looked away before my friend even had time to focus. Ah rejection, it always bites. Not to worry though, my friend still managed to pull.

Three ways to know that she’s just not that into you

1. Okay so you pulled this really sexy chick on last night’s bender. The details are pretty hazy but you’re sure you had a connection. However she’s not replying to your texts. Want to know why? No, she hasn’t lost her phone, just her interest in you.

2. Now you’ve had a fun albeit a bit awkward first date; there was giggling, fluttering lashes and even a bit of a smooch by the tube station. Yet it’s been three days and you’ve not had a second invite. Nor a response to your ever so sweet, ‘Hey I had a great time with you tonight, hope you got home ok,’ text. Do you want to know why? Well you might actually be a really crap date, but it’s far more likely that you’re just not her cup of tea. Sorry!

3. You’ve met a girl, maybe shared a few moments, but whenever you suggest the two of you ‘hang out’ she always seems to be busy: washing her hair, watching Hollyoaks, doing her mother’s shopping, being too tired from work, the list goes on. No – this woman is not moonlighting as a masked crusader, she’s not superwoman, she’s probably not even super busy. But I think by now you know the real reason.

She’s just not that into you love, now swallow your pride and move on!

Next time: When she’s not even gay. (Or at the very least up for some lady loving.)

by Devil’s Food Cake

I think we can all pretty much agree that nudity can be a very good thing. And while there are probably a lot of things that would be better if done naked – swimming, walking around the house, the dishes – surely there are exceptions to the rule. So, to expand all our minds I have taken the liberty of compiling a list – a list of things that are much better done in their normal, clothing-mandatory ways….

1. Dusting. The inappropriate places that dirt could go just are not worth pondering.

2. Sitting on a white couch. Remember Charlotte’s husband in Sex and the City? No teabagging on the furniture, please (although we are not generally capable of this, I know).

3. Dinner with her parents. Or your parents. Or anyone’s parents.

4. Cooking. The idea of a naked chef may, in theory, appeal. But think about blanching the vegetables. Or frying up the garlic. Not such a good idea when you think about all the things that could go very, very wrong.

5. Horse-riding. Could you imagine the… actually – I don’t even want to try.

6. Bee-keeping. See reason 5 above.

7. Sleepwalking. No control over what you do. No control over where you are. Not ideal.

8. Belly-dancing. The bits. Just… flying. Everywhere. Blurgh.

9. Climbing trees. Or, more specifically, falling down trees that you have attempted to climb.

10. Um… rope-climbing?

Those got more predictable towards the end, I know. I mean, there’s really only so far one can go with clothes really. Otherwise things just get boring.

What would you rather do whilst fully clothed?

by Devil’s Food Cake

Now, I’ve never actually been on a blind date – there’s just something so nerve-wrecking about presenting yourself to a total stranger and I’m a total wuss – but I can imagine the whole scenario going totally wrong. If you’re brave enough to do it though, kudos to you my friend. Understandably, there are certain dealbreakers for all of us. Not so sure? Here are ten reasons I would call a date a night….

1. You seem to speak two different languages – and in hers, ‘deodorant’ doesn’t translate.

2. Four words: tracksuit bottoms in public.

3. She asks if you’re into scat. Or rainbow kisses (if you don’t know, don’t ask).

4. You ask what her favourite book is and she says ‘Cosmo’.

5. She offers you a key to her flat in the first ten minutes.

6. She throws up on your shoes. Or lap. Or general vicinity.

7. She asks if you would mind if her boyfriend joins you later.

8. She thinks the shirts that say ‘Nobody Knows I’m A Lesbian’ are hilarious.

9. She spends most of the evening wiping at her nose, then offers you coke under the table.

10. She proudly announces her membership of the BNP. NEXT.

Disclaimer: My girlfriend says I’m an elitist bitch for my reasons so perhaps one should take this with a grain of salt. She also thinks that ‘Vogue’ is a book, so perhaps I need to reconsider my options.

by Meringue

Picture the scene: me, aged 17, sat goggle-eyed in front of The Matrix. It would be an understatement to say I had forgotten the concept of breathing and almost weed myself right at the point a larger than life latex-clad Carrie Anne Moss filled the screen pointing a Beretta 84F in my general direction, before quipping her signature line, ‘Dodge this!’ Did I dodge? No, as far as I was concerned I was already blown away!

Guns and girls. We all knew it was only a matter of time until one of us with a slight tomboy tendency and unabashed fascination for on-screen gun-wielding heroines, would bring this topic to the surface. But how does one raise this subject without getting completely carried away and giving out the impression one has an underlying fetish for girls with guns? How indeed! Or rather, too late!

Although I would love to ramble on about all of my favourite gun-toting ladies, I would like to keep this a light-hearted matter and disregard any deeper meanings these crime-fighting femme fatales, or female empowered bad-asses may represent, rather preferring a fellow Cakette with more ‘fire’ to write about such issues. Now back to my ladies: You definitely can’t miss them, in a world where this genre is becoming ever more popular in the movie mainstream. Love to be them; love to love them!

For your ultimate viewing pleasure, here is a link to Total Films’ top 12 deadly girls with guns. Although I’m begrudging the fact that this list needs to be extended to include the delectable New Avenger’s Joanna Lumley and Alien-ass kicking Sigourney, I won’t moan too much seeing as the bloodthirsty temptress Kate Beckinsale and ultra-cool Milla are featured. Yum!

Enjoy.