TMC HELP: I’ve never been to a gay bar by myself and I don’t know how
Usually it’s me waxing lyrical about whatever, while you guys play audience to my ramblings. But this time, you guys, I’m a little out of my depth. Deep breath now – I’m 25 years old and I’ve never been to a gay bar by myself.
…Or any bar for that matter. Ever. How did this happen? When I was in high school, nobody went to bars by themselves anyway – being largely underage, my friends and I went in big groups to avoid suspicion (I’m sure seven nervous 17-year-olds look way less suspicious than one please-don’t-card-me loner).
At university, I managed to pick up companions at the international student orientation and general introduction to my course. I moved into halls late (and thus missed out on what was apparently an amazingly debaucherous introduction to Camberwell) but it mattered not, because I’m Indian and we are everywhere (seriously, try being brown, you are never alone) (except on Lip Service).
When I came out, I was already friends with enough other gay people that gay bars were neither unfamiliar terrain nor places I ever went to, or had to go to, alone.
dim, dark, crowded, terrifying
So now, at 25, new and on shaky ground in an unfamiliar city, I’m a little at a loss as to how to meet other gay people. Technically, homosexuality is still illegal here, but fortunately, that hasn’t stopped a rather large gay scene from popping up. So there are places, great, gay places, but I – and I’m not sure anyone who knows me will believe me – am lost, nervous, shy and not a little scared. A bar! By myself! What do I do! How do I deal with this!
So instead of womanning up and figuring my shit out on my own, I’m asking you guys for help. Answers on a postcard? Or in the comments? Plus there’s a poll.
Thumbnail via johnedwinmason.typepad.com
When I was a little fledgling lesbian and only knew two other gay people in the whole world, I used to take the train down from Cambridge and spend afternoons drinking coffee by myself in First Out, feeling all excited that everyone else here was probably gay, and that they’d know I was too, just by the fact that I was sitting there, and wondering if every woman who walked through the door was my future wife. No one ever talked to me. It was a bit pathetic really.
This probably doesn’t help you, sorry.
P.s. I am coming to see you in a few months. We can go out to gay bars together.
Bless you, Devil’s Food Cake! I don’t think you’re pathetic and I don’t think anyone who feels nervous about these things should ever feel pathetic. Trying to find community and friends is incredibly daunting when it means so much and can mean the difference between dealing, solidarity and fun times and, well, being alone and feeling like shit. I went to my first gay bar at the ripe age of 26, having made contact with some women on a lesbian forum. I went on my own and was TERRIFIED. I sank a few pints at the bar, but couldn’t spot the women I’d agreed to meet, so went up to the landlady and asked if she knew them (they held regular nights there). They were stood right next to her and promptly guided me over to their crowd, where I got chatting to someone lovely and finished the night with a snog. Score.
If people are sound, they will understand how nerve-wracking this can be. If they’re dickheads, well, it makes the process of eliminating people to avoid that bit easier, eh?
But, TRY IT. If it’s horrendous, you can leave. Hopefully, you’ll meet some like-minded souls and have an ace time.
Good luck!
I was out with a friend in a gay club but he got so drunk he had to leave. I was having such a good time (and was also v drunk) I decided to stay and I actually started to chatting to people, much more confidently than if I’d been with my friends because no-one would see if I was rejected so it was less scary.
And I ended up pulling, which did not usually happen to me because I was usually terrified and shy, and stuck with my own friends :)
This is London I’m talking about which is maybe totally different.
I used to go to gay bars by myself all the time when I first moved to London and it was brilliant- honestly there is nothing like the excitement of being completely anonymous- you can get so cocky and confident because no one is watching. I made some really good friends that way. I sometimes miss the feeling of being completely new to a scene where anything can happen. Enjoy it!
I think you know my answer already DFC. Yes it’ll be scary, but just think of the potential possibilities if you bite the bullet and go for it… Plus I’ll be out there at some point, but you might not want to wait that long as I’m not very good as saving. LOVE “your beautiful girlfriend”
I went to my first gay bar aged 25 – I went alone too. I remember queuing up in unfamiliar city feeling really nervous. It was completely worth it. Right behind me in the queue was a guy from my Italian class who I thought may have been gay. It was such a lovely surprise and he’s been great pal since.
I often look back on what a great night that was and how glad I am that I did it.
Deep breath, best of luck and keep us posted with how it goes!
I find myself HAVING to make a comment on this post because I’m 28, I moved to London fairly recently and I’ve never been to a gay bar by my self here neither. One of the (frustrating) reason for that being that it seems impossible to find a chilled out place to hang out, a place where you can have teas or coffees, or beers and wine if you feel like it. Somewhere where you can go with books or computer during the day, as well as go for evening drinks.
I just came back from Berlin and that’s what made it all so much easier to meet people there. There were also loads of bar/cafes that are queer where gay, lesbians, straight people all go without distinction. Loads a cool place to hang out during the day as well, and it’s way easier to bond over “hey is that book any good?” or “can I borrow a pen”, than a full on “can I buy you a drink”. And so far I haven’t found anywhere like that in London.
Unless I’ve been looking the wrong way…?
Hallo. I went to a gay bar on my own, in Shanghai, sometime two years ago, when I was traveling the country. Didn’t speak the language whatsoever, scribble down the map on a scrap paper (back in the days when I used BlackBerry ha) and just generally feeling adventurous, which doesn’t come that often for me. I arrived there, through a long dark maze of hallways and something that looks really scary, finally got to the basement where the bar was. There is only one person and the bartender, super quiet – a Wednesday night after all! I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself, but ended up chatting to the cute bartender boy with his big dictionary he kept behind the bar. Must say it was one of the nicest nicest evenings I had.
I think it is important to be open-minded. Don’t expect to pick up anyone, so when you do pick up it’s like “aha!”, and perhaps it’s harder to go in the city you live in, because of that fear or running into people you know who may think you’re a lonely child. BUT I would recommend to do it in a foreign country/city and it gets me out of comfort zone, and oh the adrenalin. And I guess if you don’t like the place / not comfortable you can always leave, but it’s still good to attempt to go with a good intention. Do it do it do it.
Eat Your Green: First Out used to be the place to go; but I think these days actually Dalston Superstore during the day is pretty good for a gay-ish cafe, though they have appalling wifi. But hey we can’t have everything…
DFC – I went to a gay bar in Cambodia by myself. I was the only girl in the bar and the bar man was very concerned I was at the wrong night. He said ‘no lady boys tonight’ (so yeah he thought I was a transvestite). I declared that I was a lesbian and therefore entitled to be in the bar – he looked incredibly confused. I plonked myself down at the bar and drank gin and tonics, chain smoked and talked to 18 year old gay boys the whole night. I don’t think they understood why I was there but I had a fantastic night. Just go for it….love you and miss you always xxx
I’ve been to a couple of bars on my own, mainly when i’m away on business. It’s scary but commendable, I get frustrated with people who hold the attitude that anyone who turns up to a bar alone must be some sort of weirdo loner just because they’re cloaked in the safe familiarity of their inner circle. I’ve had some of the best nights when I’ve been out alone, talked to people I may never have had I gone out with friends or worse stayed in. If you want to do it my advice is do some research on places to go first, opt for pre-club bars with a more relaxed vibe (no dance floor/disco/loud music) Grab a drink, sit in the corner where you can observe the crowd. Take some time to observe the room and the type of groups in there, easiest to infiltrate are groups of 2-3, steer clear of couples and play on the fact your are new to the area most decent people will be more than willing to chat to you and talk about the nightlife and you can go from there. I find asking people questions about themselves usually works a treat, people tend to like talking about themselves and get them going with the right topic then you’ve got a friend for the night if not for life. It sometimes helps if you smoke, I don’t think I’ve ever been out for a cigarette and not spoke to someone.
@EatYourGreen I did a similar thing recently in London, and it was terrifying but ok in the end, I talked to people but no-one I fancied unfortunately. Beer did help… but if you ever need a wingman let me know…!