Tuesday Top Ten… New Year’s resolutions

by Sticky Toffee Pudding

So January 2010 is almost over and soon you’ll all be hearing that dreaded question from your family, friends and colleagues – ‘how are the resolutions going’ they’ll smirk as you pull out the Marlboro you swore you wouldn’t buy. Oh those resolutions, that you made in a drunken haze of fireworks, vomit and left over Christmas cheer. This year it will all be different you cried to yourself, your confidence bolstered by narcotics. This year you’ll transform! You’ll put in the effort you told yourself, you’ll go the extra mile and you will sort your life out. But now you’ve finally puked up the last of your goodwill and any leftover positive thinking has been battered out of you by the bleak British weather. You’ve lost your path, you’ve failed to stick at it and it’s not even Shrove Tuesday yet. Your morale has left you, your ego has taken a dent and your motivation is so low it makes even Lindsey Lohan seem like a credible inspiration. It’s no wonder you’re disillusioned. But fear not my cake companions as I’ve come up with a revised set of resolutions that even you can achieve.

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Lets face it you’re never going to make it to the gym now are you? Exercise takes discipline and willpower, both of which your lacking. You might as well withdraw eighty quid from your bank each month, take it to the nearest lavatory and sh** all over it for all the value your getting out of that subscription. Furthermore all that wasted cash serves as a constant reminder of your own crappiness. Be gone with the guilt! Pole dancing is a much better way to get fit with the added bonus of improving your seduction technique.  And lets face it, it gives you plenty of opportunity to perv. A class full of sultry ladies sliding up and down a pole, somehow I doubt you’ll be missing any lessons.

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Similar to improving your fitness but with the added bonus of being able to kick anyone’s butt. Finally you can extract that violent revenge you’ve been planning on your annoying colleague/ pesky neighbour / Miley Cyrus. Just pull on an old hoodie, find yourself a nice dark alley and wait. Alternatively you could go the opposite route and use your new super strength to fight crime. Still violent, but not as rewarding.

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Diets are for doctors, models and heroin addicts. Why deny yourself the pleasure of food?  I say stuff your face, double up your portions and watch with pride as your belly swells. It’s called comfort eating for a reason. Besides everyone knows buxom babes are hot.

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Let’s face it; of all the drugs nicotine is the most shit. Your bloodstream requires a constant top-up causing you to fork out plenty of cash, it leaves an unpleasant odour and people sneer at you when you light up in front of them. Stay warm inside clubs this year by taking ecstasy instead.  Not only will every pill fill you with a wild sense of euphoria but you’ll also be helping the environment. Yes it’s true, just think of all that positive energy you’ll be putting out there. And there is no need to restrict its usage to just when you’re out with your mates. How about popping a few pills whilst you’re at work, that’ll certainly liven up the day. Similar ‘fun’ drugs included LSD, mushrooms and marijuana in the form of hash brownies. Yum yum.

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5. Enjoy life more Get your freak on

You’re probably going to do it anyway so why not make it a resolution? Just think of how much more satisfied you’ll feel, especially if it’s been a while. Of course if you’re already a master of seduction you could make it a little more interesting, perhaps throw a bondage class for you and your  lover into the mix? Or maybe a threesome, whatever floats your boat.

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6. Get a better job Quit your job and go on tour with your band

You’ve been lamenting your professional existence for quite some time now so why not finally say ‘up yours’ to your patronising arrogant boss through the medium of rock and roll? This provides you with an elaborate excuse to smash a guitar across your desk. If you’ve not actually got a band then form one, in this recession it won’t be too difficult to find a bunch of deadbeats. So what if you’ve got all the acoustic appeal of a skinned cat, other artists that have successfully defied talent include Miley Cyrus, N-Dubz and Cliff Richards.

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7. Get out of debt Tackle your debt by committing fraud

Who says crime doesn’t pay? This one is sure to line your pockets and besides banks do it all the time. I say max out those credit cards, steal some identities and hire a big jet for you to escape in when the police come knocking. You can start your new life in a sun-soaked tax haven somewhere, smugly sipping mai tais knowing you’ve got away with it. Kudos if you also manage to bag yourself a fit foreign bird in the process.  .

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8. Help others Invent a new sex toy

Helping others is a resolution that many of us fail to keep. But why pledge to volunteer when you haven’t actually got the time, or more to the point don’t want to? Invent a sex toy and your work is done. Then stand back and watch as your contribution to society goes global in it’s popularity. Just think of the sense of pride you will feel knowing you’ve helped so many women get off.

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9. Fall in love Get married

Who says resolutions have to be practical? Let’s face it you’ve not much to look forward to, its cold, Christmas is over and there are no more presents. Why not plan another party, you’ll be sure to get gifts! If you are somewhat lacking in a partner just do what Carrie did and marry yourself. Send out those invites and be sure to register at all your favourite stores.

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10. Get more organised Start your own Fight Club

Brad Pitt style, although if blood makes you queasy you might want to go for something a little less likely to break your nose, perhaps a mud wrestling ring? In time as your wrestling ring grows you can use its influence to infiltrate society and take down ‘The Man’. Just imagine an army of lesbians at your command, the possibilities are endless.