Tuesday Top Ten… the looks of Britney Spears.

by Devil’s Food Cake

Oh Britney. What a life you’ve had already. You burst onto our screens and radios at the mere age of 16, and though many tried to resist you for a time, your pull was too strong, too forceful. Who here can claim to have never privately, or even publicly, screamed a little inside at your every comeback? Who hasn’t repeated your ‘it’s Britney, bitch’ like a personal catchphrase? Who doesn’t love I’m a Slave 4 U? Whether we love her out loud or pretend not to, Britney’s a legend, an icon for our times.

Disagree? Here’s a run-down of ten looks that she’s made famous – or infamous.

1. The Catholic schoolgirl from …Hit Me Baby One More Time.

Britney had a lot to answer to for this one – not the least of which were all the tracksuit bottoms. But if one thinks back to this video – her first – what everyone remembers was that Catholic schoolgirl outfit. Not that I really approve of schoolgirl costumes – there’s something creepy about them, no? – but let’s face it: Britney made this thing iconic. If only the “Catholic schoolgirl costumes” you see nowadays were half as tame as what she wore.

2. The red jumpsuit from Oops! I Did It Again

Personally? This was never a favourite of mine. The whole jumpsuit thing… eh. But despite the fact that this made her look seriously short, she also kind of made it work. Which is incredible, no? How does one look stumpy and a bit of alright at the same time? Also, those shoes are seriously awful.

3. Hers-and Justin’s matching denim outfits

Admittedly, while Britney is around 12 parts super-awesome, there have been times when I’ve questioned her judgment. I prefer to think of this not as a bad decision on Brit-Brits’ part, but more of a warning, an instance or two where she leads us by example – of what not to do. This was one of those times. Young love or no young love, these matching outfits were twelve shades of hideous. Though maybe she was trying to make her other half look good? The hair JT was rocking at the time was pretty tradge. And to be fair, he still looks way worse than she does.

4. I’m A Slave 4 U – VMAs 2001

I’m A Slave 4 U was, and still is, one of the best songs ever (despite some really stupid interviews about the subject matter. She once said that the lyrics were talking about how she was, amongst other things, a slave to God. I mean, I get it, you’re religious, I am too, but nobody in their right mind would take this song as a dedication to God). And though everyone knows the VMAs don’t really mean jack squat (just ask Kanye) Britney, ever the showman, has made sure that all her performances there have been a-MAZING. The woman is very good live. Remember the flesh-toned sparkly body suit number? No? Well, remember when she performed I’m A Slave 4 U with the snake? No again? Damn, you were really deprived as a child.

5. The stewardess look from ‘Toxic’.

This. Song. Is. Great. In every way. It’s catchy and upbeat and, to top it all off, the video was pretty awesome. And pretty hot. The stewardess look Britney has on in the beginning and end of the video has, unsurprisingly, spawned many Halloween copies. Don’t think I’m being shallow here though – the song didn’t win a Grammy for nothing*.

6. The Like a Virgin look from the Britney/Madonna/Christina performance at the 2003 VMAs

Um. Right. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure the ironic virgin bride look was really what anyone took away from this particular performance. And understandably so – the outfit was kind of tacky (though it was practically couture next to Xtina’s interpretation – ick). But you guys know what I’m talking about when I talk about this thing being iconic, right?

Right. Britney made making out with Madonna iconic. Obv.

Also – did anyone even remember that ChrisXtina was there too?

7. Starbucks-totin’ Britney

Never before…

…has one woman…

…done so much…

…for one branded beverage. It became a kind of running joke in the tabloids, no? Whatever. Leave Britney alone!

8. Shaved-head Britney

…OR SHE WILL FUCK YOU UP, SON.

Nah, I’m kidding. I mean, she could. But more importantly, I like that Britney kind of told the world to fuck off and went and shaved her head. I understand that, at that point, she probably was not well, and was dealing with all kinds of things, including the world’s douchiest ex. But, really, all things considered, she was still awesome.

9. Gimme More Britney

IT’S BRITNEY, BITCH.

That is all.

10. Awards Britney

AND, most importantly of all, after everything she’s done and said and had done to her and said about her, Britney’s still a winner. Look at that. You go, girl.

*Though I have less faith in the Grammies now than I did previously. How the fuck did Bieber get nominated? Vomit.