EVERYONE does gift guides around this time of year – apparently it’s gift-giving season or something? – but what nobody does is actually cater to what we really really want. Because, obviously, as lesbians, all we want is vaginas. Lots of vaginas. In every form possible. OBVIOUSLY. Here’s a list of vag-themed gifts you should definitely buy for everyone you know.
1. A vag themed necklace from Vulva Love Lovely.
Okay, firstly because their tagline is “Love your Vagina, Love the Vaginas you meet, Foster understanding and appreciation of Vagina, Be happy with your Vagina ♀”.
Secondly, because who could resist wanting to wear a vag around their neck?
ALTERNATIVELY this really pretty necklace that I would LOVE TO OWN
Unfortunately it looks like it’s been sold and I’m crap at DIY (and I’m allergic to cats, I’m a terrible lesbian).
Edit: it’s still available. Have at it.
2. The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler
Slightly obvious, but if you/anyone hasn’t read it, you/they should/might as well. Plus, a particular stunner to explain to your grandparents in front of that Christmas fireplace.
3. How about a classy I HEART VAG tank top?
Much better than all those “nobody knows I’m a lesbian” shirts.
4. If you’re looking for something to really show the love/bring the classy, how about a vagina wedding dress?
I’m not actually sure where this is from, but let me know if you find out. I mean, nothing says I love you like giving someone a vagina wedding dress wearing this atrocity for your significant other.
5. A vagina pillow.
6. OR if you’re more of an active type, go for the vagina bike
Again, I don’t know where you would get this, but if you can’t find it, make it. How hard could it be to make a gigantic, papier-mache vagina to ride around with on your bike? Answer: not hard enough.
7. Anatomically correct vagina cupcakes – from the Evil Cake Shop in Shoreditch.
I’m not sure if these ones are actually being done anymore, but if they are, have at it. I’m sure there are a number of TMC puns to be made here, about having your cake and eating it and all that, but I can’t be bothered (feel free to send some in though, lovely to get those in our email).
8. A copy of Teeth – vag themed in the vaguest, slightly horrifying sense.
I mean, who doesn’t want to think about a vagina growing teeth and biting off various bodily appendages?
9. A Georgia O’Keeffe print –
10. Or, if you’re truly broke, make a CD/mix-tape/iTunes/Spotify playlist of vag-themed “music”. May I suggest, to start you off, that classic track by God-des & She, as immortalized in The L Word? Press play only if you truly, truly hate your ears.
Obvs only for someone you truly detest/want to scare off. If you’d rather a more pleasant aural experience, I’d suggest something more along the lines of this: