Tuesday Top Ten… ways to get sacked.

by Fairy Cake

So…your job sucks.  Your job is a black hole of despair.  Your co-workers are colourless, planktonian freaks and the amount of animosity you feel towards your boss can only be articulated with reference to traumatic childhood experience.  You have taken to paying a colleague to spray you with water at hourly intervals, such is the coma-inducing nature of your schedule.  It’s time to escape.  It’s time to get out.

But why take leave with a simple notice, when there is so much anarchic fun to be had?  Blind hatred is a terrible thing to waste.  TMC ask you to channel that hate.  Channel it into an act of fantastic, borderline-illegal defiance, and get sacked instead.  After all, going quietly has never been as much fun as going really fucking loudly.

Become the most annoying colleague in the world

Finish all calls, personal and otherwise, with the word ‘Ciao’.  Use any opportunity available to discuss your IBS.  Purchase a loud dehumidifier for your desk and then insist the colleagues nearest to you pay some kind of ‘wet air’ tax.  Before you know it, the entire office will be plotting your demise.

‘Accidentally’ CC in boss on inappropriate/unproductive/offensive email

Suggestions include;

“I can still taste you, Maureen.”

“Have stapled knees to underside of desk.  LOL.”

Or the classic, “Mr Critchlow smells like farts.”

Use company credit card to buy hotel room and six expensive prostitutes

Make sure the incriminating transaction shows up conspicuously on your accountant’s monthly statement (12/01/10 – £890 – “Bertha’s Budget Brothel”).  NB – MPs may have to try harder.

Use company credit card to buy self new £18,000 wardrobe

Also known as ‘Doing A Palin’

Steal

Forget biros and recordable CDs.  If you want to get sacked, you’re going to have do better than that.  Massive financial fraud not your thing?  No problem.  Just steal something really vital to the office – like the photocopier.  When questioned, just explain that you “liberated” the item in question “as a statement against the deterioration of ‘the Real’ in modern society”.  Trust me, coming off as some uninformed Baudrillard-reading prick is only going to work in your favour.

Add your boss on Facebook

Jane Bloggs and Mr Boss are now friends.

Jane Bloggs joined the group, “My employers are wankers.”

Booyah.

Violently defy the dress-code

Really let your imagination fly with this one.  And remember – the impact of any outfit can always be increased with the simple addition of a fascist pin-badge.

Fain insanity

This has to be gradual – don’t just turn up in a hot dog costume and jump around.  Try acquiring an imaginary friend, or insisting that your peers refer to you as ‘Sir Richard’.  At all costs, avoid medical intervention.  Being sectioned is NOT as fun as it sounds.

Don’t turn up

Particularly good if you don’t have much of an imagination.  They pay you, you sit around in your pants, play Mariocart, and wait for them to Buckaroo you off the payroll. We give you a week at best.

Sleep with your boss’s wife

You want gross misconduct?  We’ll give you gross misconduct.  Really. Fucking. Gross.